Never the right time

The change of colors inspire me to continue to bring out my camera in unlikely situations. 

Helping a friend move….. 

Taking a drive to bring a family member to a doctors appointment….

Teaching the teenager to drive on REAL roads. Prior to this we only had parking lot experience.  

In a sea of darkness

Have you noticed that it is so much easier to judge someone or something, than it is to be empathetic? It seems as if as humans, we are unable to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and understand what it must be like. Instead, when you look around all you ever see is what is wrong with everything.

What a sad kind of world that we live in when we recognize failures over achievements?

Was there a switch that was flipped somewhere to turn people into the judge and jury singlehandedly without ever hearing the testimony?

Have we finally hit the point in this world where kindness is never coming back? Where we believe that speaking bad about a person looks good on us?

We are so immune to people’s feelings and bodies being hurt that we fully believe that the best thing to do when you are around it is to pull out your phone and record the event?

We don’t want to focus on the horrible things, blocking out the war zones and death tolls in war impacted areas, but we want to capitalize on senseless tragedies that happen closer to home.

We certainly don’t want to focus on the kindness either. So we don’t pay attention to any charitable events or money-raising efforts, unless it is to point out how much of a scam they are.

We certainly can’t trouble ourselves to attend most of these events for the sake of good. Oh no, instead people show up to be able to see for themselves how the efforts being made are being wasted. So we sit there in our classy dress attire, making sure that you look just right for the part, all while judging the color of someone’s dress. The fact that the shoes or purse does not match the outfit. What would have possessed that person to get that haircut? She is too fat for that outfit, or he isn’t buff enough to pull off that shirt. You just can’t believe that the couple that just walked by you are still together, because EVERYONE knows that they fight like cats and dogs, sending him out to cheat and her to drink. Who cares that you have never seen any of that, because if the gossip mill said it, it must be true right?

Does any of this make you think of you? The group of friends that you are around, or maybe even your family?

Shame on you.

Shame on them.

Shame on all of us for letting our world get like this.

We all played a part. Either by participating, or sitting back and watching.

We need to do better.

We deserve better.

Be kind.

The ebb and flow

So I have had a long-standing love of photography. This has never been a secret in my family. My mother would always tease me that I held the camera at odd angles more often than I held it at what was considered the normal angles.

I have never taken the time to learn the ins and outs of any advanced cameras, however my love for a camera phone or a ‘point and shoot’ has never faded. These days camera phones offer such amazing possibilities for editing and filters that it would be hard not to love the shots even an amateur takes.

As I have admitted before, I am a sky watcher. I love to be able to notice cloud patterns, beautiful sky colors and everything in between. Time and time again I find my eyes drawn back to the sky in admiration.

My wonderful family makes comments about my obsession with the sky, saying that it can be silly to always take pictures of it. Other times they can find themselves surprisingly drawn to those exact pictures when I show them one that I am proud of. Mind you, I tend to only be proud of one out of every couple hundred I take, but that doesn’t matter.

The sky has moods like mine I believe. Even when you see a wonderful blue sky, there can be clouds lurking.

Other times you could see multiple white puffy clouds, with one or two darker clouds hiding in the background.

There is always a secret hidden in plain sight with the sky.

Amazingly these shots were taken the same day.

❤❤💜💜💜

Trying new things

In a world that I am surrounded by negative things all the time, sometimes I find myself fighting to find my way above water. I have recently been told more bad news in regards to my health, and I need to find something else to focus on.

So after looking around for a few days I have chosen that I need to get back to yoga. It brings out a calmness in me that I rarely find, while being non strenuous on my body that apparently is made of glass. While I realize that there are different types of yoga, and some are more challenging on the body itself, I will be avoiding those and staying with ones that help me find a little more inner balance instead.

That being said, the only other time that I have done yoga I was being instructed by someone else which is not an option this time. So I am now at the mercy of Youtube. I have found a few pages to follow and I am slowly trying to experiment through some of the beginner videos that they have posted.

I love the process. I love learning new things, and being a student of something that I enjoy. I love forcing others (mainly my children) into doing these things with me because I love listening to their take on something that I enjoy.

If anyone has a favorite Youtube video you would recommend that I try, please let me know.

Teaching your younger self

If you could go back and give myself advice at different ages growing up, what would it be?

I would love to go back and tell an extremely self-conscious twelve-year-old that she was beautiful. To stand firm for what she believed and not to let bull-headed teenagers, including herself, get in her way. She had so many plans! She knew what she wanted to do when she was older, had found her first love in a boy who treated her pretty good and other than fighting with her parents every once in a while her life was going pretty smooth. I would teach her to believe in herself, and to realize that everyone has their own body type that they were born with. You just have to learn to love yourself a little more so you can accept and appreciate what you were given.

**You are Beautiful**

I would go back and tell a heartbroken 16-year-old girl who was learning first hand about losing some one she loved that the world will keep turning. Her world was rocked to its absolute core, but she will stand back up and put her pieces back together. I would tell her to be stronger than she had ever been. I would tell her that just because one boy could not wrap his head around staying around to live his life until it got better, that it was absolutely not a reflection of her. I would hold her tight and tell her that despite the miscarriage, despite the loss of the person she thought would be the love of her life, she will survive.

**You are stronger than you will ever realize**

I would go back and tell my 19-year-old self that being a single mom at 19 would not define me. This hiccup would turn out to be the best turning point of her life, and that jackass that chose to walk away from his son would never be able to emotionally or physically harm them again.  I would try to steady her world a bit and help her get her footing settled back into the right direction if I could. However all the times I started in a direction and had to back pedal to try a different path just made me focus a little harder.

**Mistakes are the worlds way of teaching you humility**

I would go back and tell the 22-year-old woman that adoption didn’t have to mean goodbye.  I would help her understand that sometimes the hardest choices are the safest. I would remind her that heartbreak is an old friend by now. And my advice that I would give her would be to give herself a break. Life happens in mysterious ways and it is ok to admit defeat and take some me time. You can’t be a great mom to the one you already have if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

**Forgiveness IS an option.  You are only human.**

I would go back and tell my 25-year-old cynical self that good things can happen. It is easy to become calloused and bitter. Putting up walls to shield your heart is healthy, as long as you have a way to break it down safely. If your wall has become a way to hide from reality in such a way that you can no longer recognize good things when they come your way, you may need rethink some things.  I would tell her to go on that date with the boy she worked with. Let her neighbor bring her flowers. Let that smile happen.

**You ARE worth it. Good things CAN happen to you.**

 

Today it won

Today was one of those days that started out great. Everything seemed to fall into place. Kids got themselves ready without me having to chase them down at all, everyone remembered everything they needed without anybody having to run like crazy back into the house to search like a maniac for one lost thing or another. I was able to quickly drive out to my walking spot and get in three miles before the heat tried its best to suffocate me.

I got back to my car and once I got in my mind started racing with all of the things that I needed to do during the day. I tried to map out the route between the different stores and plan my time line to make sure that I was able to get everything I needed done before the kids came home.

And then it happened.

For no reason whatsoever, Anxiety decided to join the party. The what if’s started creeping into my plans and I never took the lead after that.

What if I could find better shoes online? Didn’t I need to read as many reviews as possible, and search through all of the different sales and coupon codes first?

What if I bought my teenage son the sweater that I had seen online last night and he hated it. This is a boy who would never say to my face that he doesn’t like something, he will just out it into his closet with a fake smile and it wont surface again until I attempt to clean out his closet again. What a waste of money this could be.

On the other hand, what if I walk into that second-hand shop that I have had my eye on and I end up buying a bunch of things, thinking that they are all great deals, but I get it all home and no one else likes the things that I picked out?

What if my poor dog who seemingly got his anxiety straight from me, was at home eating things like the cereal box that was set next to the trash can instead of broke down and put into the actual recycling bin. He likes to do that.

I went to none of these places. I went home.

I found my favorite TV show and I binge watched it while I drug my computer out to be able to at least act like I was doing some work.

Stupid anxiety.

The trouble With Essure

Today I had yet another friend of mine come up to me and ask me about the symptoms I noticed that came from my nickel allergy with the Essure Implant, which is a permanent birth control. I have to say that we have reached the point now where everyone that I know that has had these implants except one has now realized that they were reacting.

That is sad news my friends.

Let me remind you that there is a live lawsuit going on for many folks that have had to go through this process and that they are not legally allowed to talk publicly about their circumstances.

That being said, I completely recommend that if you know anybody including yourself that has been implanted with this device, please search through the symptoms list and decide if any of these have affected your life.

It is easy to blame these individual things that you are noticing to anything else going on in life. I went through at least twenty smaller symptoms before the bigger ones started. The thing about all of them were that they all started after the Essure implant were put in. Some easily could have been things that would have started with age, or with the idea that I suddenly had 3 kids in my house instead of 2. Maybe the mood swings, low libido, blood pressure issues and weight gain were all because the addition of the newest little one. Maybe the swollen ankles came from the quitting smoking right? And more of the weight gain? And the weird rashes all over my body got explained away as eczema even though the medicine never let it go away.

Guys this is the beginning of the list. We know this all just continues. Everything was ignored by not one, not even two, but THREE doctors. I had to be my own advocate. No one believed me. Holy hell, I barely believed me. If I had not have found other women going through the same thing I wouldn’t have grown a back bone and started pushing my doctors. My female doctor made me jump thousands of hoops. Not just for insurance either, she openly admitted all the way through this process that she wasn’t sold on it being the problem either.

I have always heard of invisible illnesses. I have close family members that go through this with doctors constantly. I never knew what that felt like. Now, I stand beside them instantly. They need people in their corner, even if I am the only cheerleader.

But this wasn’t invisible. They just though I was full of crap.

I can’t make you  read the symptom list. I can’t stand beside you and hold you when you start to notice the connection. I can’t force your doctors to believe you. However I am here, as moral support. As a friend that you can reach out to for advice, for someone to believe you or tell you the steps that I was put through to get to the other side.

The following link will open the best symptom list that I have found. It is updated and very well organized. This also will allow you to review a different site full of women’s stories and people to contact in regard to this awful device. This is not my list by any means.

Very well organized and updated symptom list for the Essure Implant

As of just this month or last, EVERY country outside of the US has stopped the sale of the ESSURE implant completely.

Just today, there are an unknown amount of women facing down Washington trying to get the United states to realize the lies that they are selling us with this product. They have lists of women affected, along with the symptoms that they have dealt with. The miscarriages. The babies that were born after the ESSURE was placed, some healthy, but a lot with developmental delays.

The start of this year federal judges were allowed to start reviewing class action lawsuits is the United States.

Be you own advocate. Find people on social media to help you understand what to do next. Lean on us and allow us to help you get through this.

Read more of my story involving my battle with Essure by following the following link. Please feel free to comment or message me.

My Essure Battle part 1

esisterstrong

 

Fake it til you make it

Inspiration is one of those tricky things these days.

What works one day is not guaranteed to work every other day.

A few years back I made it a point that I needed to laugh each and every day.

I know what you are going to say here.

Some days there is simply nothing to laugh at right? Those are the days that it is even more important to make sure that you do.

I have my own things that are guaranteed to make me laugh every time, but do you?

Is it as simple as looking through the videos on your  phone to be able to see the silly things that have happened in your life? Could be something that your child or pet was doing, or maybe even a friend or colleague.

Maybe you are the type that needs to find videos on Youtube or something similar. My favorite are silly pet video’s. My teenage son has me convinced that America’s Funniest Videos is making a come back (technically I am not positive it ever went away, as much as I just got too busy to find it).

Find something.

You need to keep your head up, with the outlook on life bright. It is really easy to fall down that rabbit hole and never find your way back out.

Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.

 

What did life chose for you?

We all like to think that every single thing about ourselves could be a choice. Doesn’t it make you feel a little helpless to realize that some things, no matter how much that we try to say otherwise, are just not our choice?

Is cancer a choice?

Is being born with a birth defect a choice? Yes I understand that a number of those come from a choice of a parent, some are also NOT.  Some are genetic. Some are just a rare thing that happens for unknown reasons.

Is naturally having red hair a choice?

Dyslexia?

Thyroid disease?

Brain disorders?

So how can we accept those to be problems that we are born with, but depression is something that we must have chosen? When did mental illness become so shameful?

Why has it ever been frowned upon like it was a choice? I guess I don’t understand the reasons that it was ever looked at like it was not just another disease that you need to fight with regular medication and therapy, just as one would need to do with diabetes or a medical disorder that affects the muscular system.

Who gets to make these decisions? Who gets to decide who is better than who because of the way that their genetics made them?  Who gets to decide who lives their lives in hiding and who gets to be loud and proud of the lifestyle their DNA setup for them? What about the judgmental people who later in life has life events that change circumstances? Like a woman dealing with postpartum, or a man trying to deal the loss of his parent. Now is it suddenly acceptable?

Were you chosen to be the lucky one who lives their whole childhood healthy, watching others have asthma attacks or seizures? Did you ever have to go back and ask your parent what childhood diabetes meant and why some people needed to check their blood sugars?

Only to grow older and get told that you have cancer and will have to fight for your life while they inject more and more poisons into your body to fight the poison that is already there?

I hope for you judgmental folks to have healthy babies who have healthy babies. I hope for all of you that life doesn’t sneak up on you and teach you the reality of most people in the world. I hope that you never have to be proven wrong.

However I know you will be.

Because that’s what life is all about.

Being born into a life where most of our health conditions are not a choice.

Here is to hoping that the health conditions that life choses for you is on the “ACCEPTABLE” list.

I was chosen to be a Suicide Survivor

November 18 is National Suicide Survivor Day.

I never even knew that. I walked in a Suicide Awareness walk recently and I spent the majority of the time being quite alarmed at how many people just in my area had been directly affected by the loss of a loved one or friend.

This is one of those events that unless you go through it, you can not really explain it well. Everybody says that about everything don’t they? It is true. It’s this strange out-of-body experience that is simply unexplainable.

I was 16. He was my first love. At 16 you are more innocent than you are ever willing to admit. You don’t have a grasp on how long life really can be. You have no ability to realize that things will change. You don’t realize that the pain goes away. You don’t realize how a change in scenery can make everything different.

A mother lost her firstborn. A father lost who he thought would be the leader of the pact. A grandmother lost her grandson. Siblings lost a brother. I lost a best friend. A boyfriend. My first love. And it changes us all. Rocked our world into being unrecognizable.

It has been 15 years and while it has changed, has been ignored and seemingly has been forgotten by everyone around me, I still remember. I still cry for the soul that was lost. I still miss who he could have been. I miss what my life could have been. I have spent more time imagining the what if’s then I was ever able to actually spend with him.

I have no idea who he would be today. I have no idea if our love would have survived. I have no idea if we even would have kept in touch.

I will never have the ability to know.

I have read thousands of people’s stories online. I have volunteered at suicide hotlines. I have answered phone calls at 2 in the morning and run out just to be the shoulder that someone needed at that moment. I have made it known to anybody  who has access to my social media that I am ALWAYS available when you think you are alone. My number is always there for you to call.

It isn’t enough I feel. I can’t bring him back.

And so here I was, standing in a crowd of people who all have their own stories. And I was moved to tears to see how COMMON this problem has become. How in the hell has this become SO NORMAL??

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States in 2017. 

Each year 44,193 AMERICANS die by suicide.

Suicide costs the United stated $51 Billion annually. 

Men die of suicide 3.5 times more than women. 

The average age of suicide victims? MIDDLE AGED WHITE MEN

Never Stop trying to help. Keep your eyes and hearts open. Mental illness is not a CHOICE. It should not be a stigma. It should not have to be hidden. It should not be something that they have to be ashamed of.

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