Oh how fast it goes…

Why is it that it is so easy to lose yourself if the parenting experiment portion of our lives?

When you are growing up you work so hard at making a personality that you like and can be seen in public without fear of constant embarrassment or trouble from the powers that be.

And then you meet “The One” and you feel butterflies and happy feelings all over the place. The well thought thru and meticulously planned wedding happens, and you search and search to find the perfect house for your  make believe future family. You attempt to make it look like you are adult enough to decorate your own house, all while secretly scouring the internet and magazine for ideas to steal and make your own.

Then you find yourself peeing on a stick and holding your breathe.

You dream of what type of parent you will be and what type of birth plan should be planned. You have nine months of these thoughts, hopes and intentions.

Within months you realize that those plans mostly hit the fan, starting from the birth plan and ending….. well never.

Parenting is not a planning kind of event. You have great thoughts, and ideas, and if you implement even half of them then you are doing amazing.

Sometimes I think that single parents have the ability to adapt to children faster because they don’t have to fight with another under slept grown adult about whether it is actually that important to stick to the plan.

Then suddenly you blink and they are overtaking everything. The bigger they get, the bigger the obstacles.

I am not saying not to do it, nor am I saying I regret it. I am just saying to stand back and slow down. Keep yourself sane. Some how, some way, find a place that you can just decompress.

Otherwise you lose yourself in this process and find yourself looking back and wishing that you had taken the time to appreciate it a little more. Maybe you could have taken the time to cherish it a little more.  Don’t get me wrong, you will do this anyway of course. However maybe you will have a little less regret if you can figure out how to slow it down, just a little bit.

 

When the words take away your air

So there is a tv show that I keep seeing on television that has caught my attention. I first saw the preview as I was sitting with my husband watching a tv show. It hit me like a ton of bricks, where he was able to sit and not even notice that my world had tilted on its axis.

The first few lines in this preview was a man saying something like “You’re not going to believe this, but John (or Jeff or whatever his name is) committed suicide”. I have seen this preview multiple times but I am not able to remember any of the rest of the preview. Each time I see it I get stuck on this sentence that starts the commercial off. I imagine that this man is talking to a buddy, and this is the normal way that they talk to each other so the offhand delivery itself doesn’t catch my attention.

What catches my attention is the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life being affected by lines like these. Its been over a decade since I had to hear those words said in a much softer way to me. A decade since the whispers would stop as I walked into the room, or down the hall, just to have them start again after I passed by. A decade since I had to try to find new pieces to start rebuilding myself since he didn’t think about how it would be affecting anyone else.

Who am I kidding it has almost been TWO decades.

So that’s where this kicker just seems to keep kicking.

18 years later, a whole different life later, and yet it still has the ability to kind the wind out of my lungs better than almost else.

September is Suicide prevention month

September is Suicide prevention month. After being very personally affected by suicide during crucial growing years I feel as if I will always dedicate whatever I can to help prevent anyone from having to go through the loss.

Mental illness is still considered to be a thing people think that we chose.

Who in their right mind decides to spin the wheel and have it land on an invisible -illness?

From a chronic pain patient to a schizophrenic with bipolar tendencies and all things in between the reactions of disbelief are the same. No one believes that either could be a real thing. As if a person sees a tv show where someone acts a certain way so they are going to attempt to mirror their life around them. Don’t get me wrong, there are assholes out there that must do something like that. But the few that do should not be considered the normal.

Normalizing mental health awareness is something that has been long coming and should be held at the utmost importance.

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Reach out. Find someone that is willing to listen. Make sure they understand how important it is to you. You don’t have to fight alone.

Learn the cues. Find out how to see the signs. Let them teach you how to help.

Find a support group on social media. Find a group in your community. Make the call. Send the text.

1-800-273-8255

24 hours a day.

 

Where is your happy place?

So my whole life I have dreamed about growing up and becoming some big hot shot professional the was amazingly happy with my life.

I think we all do.

For me it always comes back to this two story house, sitting on a grassy section of land with water behind it. I have always taken it to be an ocean, but I can’t say that for a fact. The house seems to have a country feel about it. The color never really matters to me but I am well aware of the porch. It is one of those wrap around porches that is covered all the way around. There are big fans in a few spots that look like a big ceiling fan. There are lights strung around the banisters as well as the normal porch lights attached to the house. There is always a few wooden rockers surrounding a table on one side, and a wooden two person swing in a different area of it. Far enough away to be considered two separate get together areas, but close enough to be able to hear each other if necessary.

It seems to be that we are in the warmer all year type of places in the world. This could just be a weird hope of mine since I drastically hate the cold Chicago winters, but since it is my dream I can assume what I want right?

There are always kids running around, so I am thinking that my kids must live around the area as well and have brought my grandchildren over. My age always varies when I have these dreams. Sometimes I have not changed age at all, and it is my own children running around. Other times I look as if I may be around 80 or so and my hubby and I are enjoying retirement and grandkids.

There are all these pictures once we get inside of the big life that we have led. Pictures of the kids, from all ages. Picture of our travels and other loved ones.

Pictures of our full happy life.

That is my happy place when I am being overwhelmed or feeling extra unstable for the day.

 

Warped perspective

Life is all about perspective isn’t it.

It’s changing how you see something. It’s changing how you let it affect you. It’s changing your surroundings when you need to.

It’s finding ways to convince yourself to start something new.

It’s finding a way to convince yourself to try harder.

To continue.

To convince yourself to finish strong.

To focus on the end result that you are trying for.

Perception has a way of making you realize that what you have been doing is not enough.  It could be that you look at a picture someone took of you and you suddenly see what other people see when they look at you. Maybe it is that you suddenly realize that you spent too many years making excuses to not go back to school. Maybe you feel like you are giving your coach one hundred percent of your effort, but are still failing to meet expectations.  Maybe its as simple as the fact that you read a magazine article on something that your had never really thought too much of, but it changes something that you do.

Don’t hold back.

Going thru the battle to learn your value

I have lived a life that most people react to with shock.]

I didn’t ask for it, but I wouldn’t change it either. Any change in how things have gone in these complicated 34 years and I wouldn’t be where I am today, surrounded by the amazing people around me.
I have been thru things that some will never go thru in their entire life. I have spent a lot of years having to explain choices as to how or why I did things the way that I did. I spent just as much time questioning how or why I was chosen to be the one to be blessed with these events as well.
I have also spent a lot of times hiding. It took three years for my current coworkers to find out about the death of my ex-boyfriend to suicide. It took closer to five for them to learn about the adoption. There are still other events that they have yet to learn.
Why?
I can’t always explain it, even to myself.

At first it was that I was sick of dealing with people’s opinions. It always came at times that I didn’t want it. Some were positive, some negative. It never mattered which way people felt, I wasn’t wanting any of them. I never wanted to appear as rude, it’s only that it was the most personal events that had happened in my life and the opinions were coming from people that were not there. They have no idea the situations that surrounded the decisions made. So why would the opinions make any difference to me now?
However these days we are not allowed to not care about anyone and everyone’s opinions.
You see, the only feelings and opinions that should affect me should be the ones directly involved with the decision. In everyone’s heart, they know that. However that does not stop them from trying to validate the scenario by either agreeing with me or having to tell my why they don’t.
It isn’t that I don’t respect the opinions being given, nor is it that I don’t appreciate the reason that most people are trying to give it in the first place. In most cases they are trying to find a way to make me feel better.
It is just that I respect myself more.
I started this battle as a young teenager that had no grasp on who I was, or who I could become. Wave after wave has taken me down every time, but I have gotten back up. Each time, I have had to find the strength from deep within to convince myself to keep fighting. You can’t go through that many battles without learning your value.

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