I was chosen to be a Suicide Survivor

November 18 is National Suicide Survivor Day.

I never even knew that. I walked in a Suicide Awareness walk recently and I spent the majority of the time being quite alarmed at how many people just in my area had been directly affected by the loss of a loved one or friend.

This is one of those events that unless you go through it, you can not really explain it well. Everybody says that about everything don’t they? It is true. It’s this strange out-of-body experience that is simply unexplainable.

I was 16. He was my first love. At 16 you are more innocent than you are ever willing to admit. You don’t have a grasp on how long life really can be. You have no ability to realize that things will change. You don’t realize that the pain goes away. You don’t realize how a change in scenery can make everything different.

A mother lost her firstborn. A father lost who he thought would be the leader of the pact. A grandmother lost her grandson. Siblings lost a brother. I lost a best friend. A boyfriend. My first love. And it changes us all. Rocked our world into being unrecognizable.

It has been 15 years and while it has changed, has been ignored and seemingly has been forgotten by everyone around me, I still remember. I still cry for the soul that was lost. I still miss who he could have been. I miss what my life could have been. I have spent more time imagining the what if’s then I was ever able to actually spend with him.

I have no idea who he would be today. I have no idea if our love would have survived. I have no idea if we even would have kept in touch.

I will never have the ability to know.

I have read thousands of people’s stories online. I have volunteered at suicide hotlines. I have answered phone calls at 2 in the morning and run out just to be the shoulder that someone needed at that moment. I have made it known to anybody  who has access to my social media that I am ALWAYS available when you think you are alone. My number is always there for you to call.

It isn’t enough I feel. I can’t bring him back.

And so here I was, standing in a crowd of people who all have their own stories. And I was moved to tears to see how COMMON this problem has become. How in the hell has this become SO NORMAL??

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States in 2017. 

Each year 44,193 AMERICANS die by suicide.

Suicide costs the United stated $51 Billion annually. 

Men die of suicide 3.5 times more than women. 

The average age of suicide victims? MIDDLE AGED WHITE MEN

Never Stop trying to help. Keep your eyes and hearts open. Mental illness is not a CHOICE. It should not be a stigma. It should not have to be hidden. It should not be something that they have to be ashamed of.

Dark times

Somewhere along the line I think we all have forgotten that these hard, dark times in your life make you appreciate the simpler times. 

Without the ugly, how to we know the beautiful? 

They make you stronger. 

They make you braver. 

They give you a backbone. 

Never feel ashamed of what made you fall down. 

You just have to get back up. 

Going for a little stroll

Learning when to shut my mouth has always been a hardship. 

In primary school I was frequently talked to about not talking so much and keeping the sound level of my voice lower. As I aged into high school it became more about the type of things that I was saying instead. 

I am an outspoken person, who has no filter. There is a problem with my ability to understand that just because it ran thru my head, it does not mean it needs to be spoken out loud. 

Learn to forgive

This saying is so honest and blunt. I love it. 

The anger that is boiling inside you, does not boil inside them.

 The reason that you have gotten mad does not get printed out onto your t-shirt for them to read and understand. 

The time that you spent thinking about this, being angry about it, you can not get back. They can’t return it to you. 

Explain yourself and then take the time to learn to forgive, not for their sake.

 Forgive for your sake. 

Finding what works

Taken off an android cell phone, deep filter applied. 
Taking the time to notice the small things around me. I have always loved weather patterns, clouds and the effects that it has on people. 

These are the days that I like to take headphones,  a good book and a water bottle with me out to my stand alone hammock and just relax. 

Inner peace

Throughout my entire life I have always had one constant source of calm. One way to dissapear and spend some time focusing on my inner peace. 

That’s what it’s all about. 

With everything in life being about taking care of others, it’s too easy to forget yourself. 

I continue on my path to slow down and make peace with myself. 

Know your value

There are times in your life where you realize those people who value you, and those who do not. 

Sometimes all it takes is a fight to show true colors. 

Other times it’s finding out that they are cheating you in some way. Maybe they are telling your personal business to other people. Maybe they are actually lying to your face about things. 

Sometimes they just pull away and dont show you the respect you deserve by explaining the problems to you, they are too busy telling them to everyone else. 

The only thing that comes out of these situations is knowing that you respect yourself enough to Never cry for that person who doesn’t know the value of your tears. 

💗💗💗

When you just don’t want to

Did you know that it’s ok to just say no to things? 

You don’t have to always make up excuses. You don’t have to blame other people and say they cause you to miss something. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend, or the lady at work who throws too many parties. 

You can just say no. 

They can push, and not understand. Thats ok. They can even get mad. You can take the time and do the right thing and explain to them that these things just aren’t for you. You can explain that you don’t do crowds, you have anxiety, or you just needed some “me time”. They don’t normally care, but you can feel free to try it. 

But you don’t have to go to everything. 

Friends Family and Coworkers should all understand that you are your own person, with your own things that make you uncomfortable. You don’t have to miss everything. But sometimes it’s ok. 

Lose your Breathe

Sometimes you run across something thay just moves you. It could be a a picture, song, smell, maybe even a video. 

This picture is the calm before the storm from  Hurricane Harvey. I have no idea who took it, I found it as a picture being passed around social media. But it caught me. 

Interpret what you will, but I immediately saw this and saw mystery. Except it’s the best kind. 

The kind that tells you that you don’t need to always know the ending spot. You just have to get on the road. 

Now is the time

Today I challenged myself to spend time alone. As a young mom who continued to have children for many years, I never gave myself time to learn who I was.

I continue to challenge myself to shed old skin and become who I want to be, not who I was forced to be. I love my children beyond any words, however I lost myself. 

Now it’s time to find me.