The unanswerable question

So I am not sure when they decided that September was suicide awareness month, but I am having a rough time with it. I am absolutely all for the surge of awareness for prevention, don’t get me wrong.

On a selfish note, the timing sucks.

The beginning of October will mark nineteen years since my life was forever changed. This is one of those weird situations where I feel selfish talking about how it affected me instead of how the family members were affected. I see his mothers posts on social media and it tears my heart apart to imagine what she is going through. As a mother, I fight trying to imagine the life that she has been  forced to live. As much as I love the woman, she makes me think of him too much and I have never been able to handle that. That makes me feel like such a bad human. She has done nothing but been amazing to me, but I get the feeling that I remind her of him as well. How do I fix that?

The boy that I knew deserved more then the life he lived to be cut short. I want to know the battles he faced. I want to go back and be able to talk to him more, have deeper questions and conversations, with a better understanding of mental health. He didn’t deserve to fight that alone. He didn’t deserve to feel like the world would ever be a better place if he weren’t in it. I think that’s what breaks me the most. The idea that this boy I loved, this boy that I considered my best friend, this boy that I was planning my life to revolve around, thought that we would all be better without him.

I know I was super young, and naïve. I know that there was lots of kids in the family so it is hard to get super invested in each kid the way you could if its an only child. I am also aware that teenagers do everything possible to not let parents in. He slipped through the cracks of a otherwise perfect family. Seriously this was the family that I was always jealous of. All the brothers and sisters, the always present parents and grandparents. Don’t get me wrong my family is amazing, but there wasn’t a lot of us and that family seemed like the big happy family that I always thought I wanted.

So how did he get away with committing suicide?

That question never gets easier.

There is never any answers either.

My serenity

I have been being called out to the water for a few months now but the weather keeps getting in my way along with busy schedules of course. The other day I finally found the cutest beach to go to and I have to admit I felt a sense of being home. How can someone who has never lived on the water feel so completely at home when near it? Still havent gotten out onto a boat yet, and I may have to admit that I wont be able to this year.

But the serenity I found while staring out at its vastness is unmatched. The way my heart calmed to listen to the beat of the surf lapping on the sand.

Watching my middle sons excitement as he learned to battle against the waves made my heart swell. He feels it too. That calling. That need to be there. My oldest fights and complains about the sand, the youngest is scared to get too far in since she doesnt like water in her face.

To find something to tame the one wild child tho makes it even better. Id go back with him right now if I wasnt chained to this work chair by the shackles of being an adult.