With the unprecedented time going on around us right now, many people find themselves with too much time on their hands. I find myself crazed. Between the home schooling that we all are having to learn to handle and the extra hours at work that they are pushing for me to pick up. Some weeks I have picked up but mostly its the amount of craziness surrounding work.
Don’t get me wrong I am in a constant state of unrest in my mind. I have never found something that works on a consistent basis to calm my brain. For a long time I thought that was normal. To some people it is for sure.
There are others though that talk about that being a sometimes thing. I read books from other humans who talk about calming the mind and being able to think clearly. I have done yoga, meditation, medication, exercise and so many other options. Nothing changes it.
However this last few weeks, months for some depending where they live, have been a bit scrambled, for everyone. We don’t really have a good outlook either because so much is unknown. I guess some people can play along and stay positive with everything but I am struggling.
I can take the e-learning in stride honestly. I love these kids and love them being home. I would honestly get a kick out of keeping them home one year and taking them around on field trips and enjoying time while learning. That isn’t something that they are interested in of course because their friends would not be in their class which I honestly understand.
So instead I find ways to help however I can. I focus on gift baskets for coworkers, scrub caps with buttons, and extra unhealthy snacks and meals for the family. I find myself buying them more things and playing with more to make up for the things I think they are missing from school. Or may it is to make up for innocence I feel like they are losing at a young age to this novel virus. I am not sure what it is. It results in smiles from coworkers in the middle of a jungle scene of a hospital and ICU. Smiles on the kids faces when I come home and more loves and hugs when I need them. Laughter from the huge trampoline while they make up game after game while they jump.
Finding the joy amongst the veil of darkness.
I watch my children as they go through things that I absolutely remember going through myself and can’t help but feel proud.
I have worked to keep open communication with them all, while firmly keeping the mother child roles in place. I will find out so much later that I missed or messed up on because that is the way that this job works.
However for today I will sit back and allow myself to be proud of them for the choices they make. I will also chose to be proud of the way my husband and I have raised them so far. I look forward to more of these feelings to help counteract the days I feel the polar opposite.
Today I am allowing myself to be emotional. I’m scared of things to come. I’m scared to go to work. I’m scared of what this isolation can mean for my patients health. Mental and physical.
We all put a brave face forward. I try hard to do as much paying it forward type things as possible these days because you never know what kind of days people are having.
I wish everyone was allowed to watch what COVID does to people’s bodies so they would understand why to stay home.
I get irrationally mad when I see parks full. Church’s full. All I can think is that one of them will be my next patient that I have to take care of while they die alone because of selfishness. Could be their own selfish decision or there roommate. Their kid or significant other.
It makes me feel worse for those that got it even though they did everything they can to avoid it.
I’m scared of how my coworkers and I will feel when one of us comes back positive for it. No matter how much precaution we take, we are still continually exposed.
I’m allowed to be scared today. Then I will take a deep breath, get out of my car and walk through those doors into the madhouse for my 12 hour shift.
My city is quiet.
My city is empty.
The bright light’s still shine
To be seen only through the window panes
The reality of the what is to come is starting to settle in.
I have children and elderly family members just like many of you.
Everyone has been ordered to stand down and shelter in place.
However I work in the medical field. There is never a time I have seen such determination among my scared coworkers.
We know the risks. We know there is not enough supplies. We are very aware that the precautions that have been put into place so far is not enough.
We also know that we are the ones that know how to save them. We are the ones that can make them feel better.
We are the ones that will be holding their hands as they go through this. The fear that they have echo’s through us in a way that is hard to describe. We know that we are not directly related, and yet every one of them becomes a family member in some way. They remind us of a family member that is similar aged. It occurs to us that with the visitor’s banned we would want the medical staff to comfort our family members. So we do it for them.
It’s not just about the numbers.
The list of weird things that come with being an adult just got a little longer for me today.
I spent my whole life thinking that my life was so complicated compared to the adult’s anywhere near me.
I mean nobody I know dealt with burying their best friend/first love at sixteen.
But they did know all about burying them a few years older when they came home from war.
I never compared that in my head.
I was so busy being selfish and distancing myself from the people trying to help me the most. How could they know how it felt?
No one I ever knew dealt with adoption at such a young age the way I did.
But they did deal with sudden infant death with no real reason to blame it on. They knew it was a bullshit umbrella diagnosis for doctor’s that couldn’t find a specific reason. I know not everyone sees SID’s like that, but I do.
Being a young single mom because he couldn’t grow up put me in the same type of shoes as the women who’s husbands shipped out while they had young ones at home. The story was different, with one being a coward and one being a hero, but the day to day was similar.
The comparisons just won’t stop rolling through my head now. My life is unique, my decisions are unique but the stories are parallels.
Hat’s off to the people that forged the paths before me. Even the ones that are nothing like mine.
We all have battles.
Forgiveness mode has been in affect for me this last few weeks. This is something that I come in and out of every few months so this time I chose to force myself to stay out to deal with itm instead of running to hide the way I normally do when it gets too deep.
The best thing is that there is always new things to forgive yourself for! Especially when you’re a hot mess like me. Forever throwing new things into that basket of things to work through.
My current favorite thing to do on this journey is actually a well used method that I brought back. The good old trusty empty notebook that I sit down with. After searching my whole house for actual writing utensil that aren’t for my children’s homework, I find the most comfortable spot in the house. I turn on some back ground music that won’t distract me.
And then I sit there. Drawing a damn blank. Every time.
However after a forced start that lasts the whole front of the first handwritten page I tend to unleash. I find myself finding out which way is the best to let whatever feelings out.
Sometimes it is written as if I am speaking, or yelling, at the person that is affecting me the most.
Sometimes I am berating myself for the dumb move that I made at some point.
For a long time it was written to the people that died. Whether they died because of natural causes or suicide. Whether I was yelling at them for leaving me, or I was telling them the newest thing that I feel they missed out on.
I write until I honestly feel like I have nothing more to say about it for the day. I make sure that I am honest and frank. I say the things I can’t say out loud. Don’t hold back. Write as if no one will ever have the chance to read it.
And then I rip it out of the notebook, walk outside and burn it. Safely of course. All in the name of safety.
But burn that shit. To the ground. Let it turn into ashes that the wind will send flying through the air.
Imagine those feelings flying away are little chips off the block that is building up and getting in your way.