Outside the box

Sometimes life gets heavy enough that I need to find simple ways to be able to pull back. I know that I have spoken on this before but this isn’t a one time a year type of thing. I have noticed that it seems to be worse for me  during colder months but we all have them randomly thru the years I assume.

I usually find a few different things to be able to lighten things up and vary between them. Most years it starts with photography and works its way into funny animal videos before ending with being able to watch the television show Funniest home videos. There are times that I add other things in, depending on how I have been feeling in the weeks before this.

Sometimes I watch a lot of Youtube videos that welcome soldiers home. I really enjoy the ones that involve surprising family members with their homecoming. Those are almost always guaranteed to make cry, and sometimes that is exactly what I need at that point.

This time I actually find myself watching movie series obsessively. There are three or four of them that I have fallen in love with over the years and I have been lucky to have them all available to me to watch. Some I own and some I can find on different platforms available to watch, in order.  I am positive that my husband thinks that I have lost my mind, seeing as he is not the type of person to watch movies he has already seen very often.

Even though I understand that adult life can be quite monotonous I feel as though I am failing at it. Just like most other adults I struggle to keep my spending under control and pay my bills on time. However I think that I forgot to keep things fun and enjoyable enough to let it all balance out to each other. I find myself more afraid to spend the money on the things I think would be fun, in fear that I would not be able to keep up with bill paying and other necessary needs for my family.

So here I sit, watching my movies instead, on the cable network that I struggle to pay for.

 

Challenge accepted

As we get closer to Valentines day I want everyone to challenge themselves to spice up the monotony.

Every relationship starts out with butterflies and heart jumps, but you will always get to the stage where its (dare I say it?) boring.

Spice it up.

Dont settle.

Life is meant to be lived with smiles and laughter. With love and soft touches. With spontaneity and a sense of adventure.

You are only as old as you let yourself act.

The Power of individuality

The power of learning to be who you are in the face of judgement is daunting. More daunting than most of us have the strength to admit. Even less of us can say that we have beaten the challenge of overcoming.

I have fleeting moments where this clarity hits me that it just doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. As long as I can live with myself and my family doesn’t have to deal with any repercussions from my decisions it shouldn’t matter.

And yet in the exact next breath I am forced to explain to my kids that other people’s perspective really does matter in some situations. If the home room teacher you get in the fifth grade gets the idea that you are a troublemaker within the first few weeks of class, then they tend to watch you more closely and scrutinize the things that you say in a different light, all year. Of course you can break that mold at any point by showing continuous good behavior but the original perception is always right there in the back of their minds.

The teeter tottering of this subject will always be up for debate, with everybody having different opinions from each other.  Hell, one persons take on this subject will change so frequently that it is hard to imagine that a person would honestly believe that they have a good leg to even stand on in a debate.

We like to thing that it has a simple answer, in a world where there is very few simple questions. In reality it is a highly complex dilemma that we will battle until our dying day.

It doesn’t matter what type of judgement haunts us since we all have different nightmares.

The way we choose to handle them is completely an individual decision however.

 

 

Closing old doors

I recently had an old friend send me a message telling me that he is very aware of the pain he caused in my life. The constant drama, the pain of lose of friendship by a person I called my best friend for many years.

And I find myself at a loss.

I have forgiven him before after a different seperation of friendship, just to have him do the same thing again.

I know better then to fall for this again.

I felt nothing however and I thought I would.

I felt no relief, no concern, no worry about how he has been.

Have I grown that much that I have figured out how to shut the door permanently on people who have shown constant negativity?

Who taught us not to?

“It’s easy to have FAITH everything is going to work out, when everything is working out. It’s much harder to have faith when you are facing challenges in your life. But that is exactly when you need to apply your faith.”

This is the beginning of a speech I heard recently call It will not be easy – But it will be worth it.

I felt this on so many levels. I grew up in a very religious family so on first reading of course I relate this to a religious theme. However the more that I got thinking about it the more I realized that it can be applied to ANYTHING.

We all see the obstacles in front of us as boulders, and those behind us as anthills.

When we are trudging thru our daily life do you beleive in yourself to be able to do things right the first time?

Do you put your faith in the idea that things will work out and you will get thru it, even if it looks daunting?

If not are you the type of person that doubts yourself and never beleives that things will work out in your favor?

The bigger question I face daily is why is it so easy to doubt yourself? What has made us get to the point where we doubt our abilities before choosing to beleive in ourself?

Have faith in your own self.

Beleive in yourself.

Love yourself.

Her story sounds like millions

Her story is personal, but it echoes all around the world.

Everyone has stories they don’t tell. For some, those are the stories that need to be told more then any other conversation that they have in life.

Today I listened to a woman tell me the story of how she learned to believe she deserved the fists that pummeled her on a weekly basis. She talked about how she would much rather take the abuse then allow those said fists to harm any of the beautiful creations of love that had been born to this relationship.

Now just a few short months ago I lived in this ignorant bubble of peace that allowed me to beleive that these things were not common life around the area I live. Maybe I focus more on them because of that alarming moment in my life. Then again maybe the weather has kept people inside more this year then normal, and these are some of the consequences.

I find myself staring at this woman and questioning who she was before. Was she always this weak? Was she a people pleaser that went along with the crowd? Had she ever had a backbone?

She spoke of the good times before the anger. Explaining a wild love that swept her off her feet. She told of laughter, joy and love. She spoke of the exact moment that the car they were in got blasted by a another car that blew a stop sign and sent them tumbling.

The batlle of addiction started there. The pain pills while fighting for full usage of his body. The depression when they realized he would permentantly be disabled, unable to hold down any physically demanding jobs. The behavoiral change that came from the jobs he attempted and failed over the next few years. The pregnancies that started happy only to be a quick reminder of why he needed to make more money. Pain pills seemed to work less the longer he was on them, so alcohol was his next solution.

Everyone can see the writting on the wall as to how we get to this woman in my care today. I cant help but wonder if computers hadn’t taken over our record system, would I even be able to lift her chart?

So I ask the question that is rolling around in my head. I am positive that she has been asked before.

“Are you ready to leave yet? Are you ready to show your kids that you love their father, but you love them more?”

She stares at me for a full minute, unblinking.

“I cant leave him. I love him.”

My soul aches for her. So I do the only thing that I can. I help fix the problem she came in for today. I look her in the eyes and I tell her that I am here. Even when I am not physically in this building, I will give them permission to call me in if she needs me.

Then I watch her grab her things and leave.

Are you aware?

Have you ever really sat and tried to pay attention to how you affect the people around you? The people close to you but also your old friends and relationships.

Recently I watched a weird video on Facebook that they put old friends, or old lovers in a room together and had then ask each other a series of questions. Some of them were simple questions about when they were closer, how did they interpret or appreciate certain behaviors. Or now that they are so far removed, can you discuss a problem that occurred between the two of you that caused the end of communications.

It made me start to think about whether people who I have severed ties with, their choice or mine, know what kind of memories or hurts I came away with.  Then I realized that was a selfish way to look at it. Did I really feel like I had a grasp on how they felt and what memories that they walked away with?

I don’t.

I never spend the time to care what they walk away thinking or feeling because I am too worried about my own. Which I am led to believe is normal.  I am fairly positive that the majority of them do not spend much time thinking about my feelings.

Matter of fact, I am fairly positive most of them spend the majority of time assuming how I feel without every actually asking me how something has affected me. When did that become the norm?

So here I start thinking about if I have ever left a positive emotion to people who I no longer spend time with. I have always tried to be pleasant with strangers and acquaintances that I touch base with from time to time, so I am not as worried about them right now. I fully believe in the act of kindness to a stranger or person in need. That is what drew me to work in the medical field.

For a person to be an ex lover or an ex friend, that means that at one time they had to be my friend/lover. To be considered that close to me, that means that I liked you enough to allow you that close. I cared enough about you to allow you inside my boundaries. At some point, I loved you.

Sooner or later, in most situations the betrayal that happened in our past will fade, the emotions will diffuse. Sooner or later, the hurt is not fresh. The feelings don’t cut as deep. The wound isn’t open anymore.  And at that point you get to make a choice. Do you decide to move past the feelings and be able to shut the door to the person? Or will you keep that emotion close to your sleeve and react every time you see them or have to talk about them. We all know that it is healthier to forgive and forget, but it sure isn’t easy.

It is much harder to face the realty of what kind of memory they have of you. They got to see you at your worst. When you were hurt, yelling, crying or maybe even just at your wit’s end. Maybe they got to see your jealous side as things got weird.

They saw your mistakes. You saw theirs.

While the friendships or relationships are irreconcilable, you should still take a moment to think about the effect you had on them.

Were you the one that scarred them to hell and back? Did you cause them real emotional damage? Are you the person that they talk about when they describe the horror’s of their life?

The next time that you are complaining about the things that they did to you, the ways they made you feel, can you honestly explain your side of things out loud to another set of ears and not be embarrassed?

Now  of course you should never live your life always apologizing for the things that you have done, and everyone knows that mistakes happen. Everyone has reasons to do the things that they have done. I am not asking you to reconcile with any person in your life, nor do I think that you have to forgive them or look around the wrong doings that they have done to you. I also don’t mean that you have to change yourself in any way because of a jerk who may have a low opinion of you. This is strictly about knowing that you have the ability to effect people, good or bad.

Defend yourself. Respect yourself. Honor yourself. Understand yourself.

Most of all, be yourself.

 

In a sea of darkness

Have you ever felt like you were the light in a sea of darkness?

Have you noticed that it is so much easier to judge someone or something, than it is to be empathetic? It seems as if as humans, we are unable to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and understand what it must be like. Instead, when you look around all you ever see is what is wrong with everything.

What a sad kind of world that we live in when we recognize failures over achievements?

Was there a switch that was flipped somewhere to turn people into the judge and jury singlehandedly without ever hearing the testimony?

Have we finally hit the point in this world where kindness is never coming back? Where we believe that speaking bad about a person looks good on us?

We are so immune to people’s feelings and bodies being hurt that we fully believe that the best thing to do when you are around it is to pull out your phone and record the event?

We don’t want to focus on the horrible things, blocking out the war zones and death tolls in war impacted areas, but we want to capitalize on senseless tragedies that happen closer to home.

We certainly don’t want to focus on the kindness either. So we don’t pay attention to any charitable events or money-raising efforts, unless it is to point out how much of a scam they are.

We certainly can’t trouble ourselves to attend most of these events for the sake of good. Oh no, instead people show up to be able to see for themselves how the efforts being made are being wasted. So we sit there in our classy dress attire, making sure that you look just right for the part, all while judging the color of someone’s dress. The fact that the shoes or purse does not match the outfit. What would have possessed that person to get that haircut? She is too fat for that outfit, or he isn’t buff enough to pull off that shirt. You just can’t believe that the couple that just walked by you are still together, because EVERYONE knows that they fight like cats and dogs, sending him out to cheat and her to drink. Who cares that you have never seen any of that, because if the gossip mill said it, it must be true right?

Does any of this make you think of you? The group of friends that you are around, or maybe even your family?

Shame on you.

Shame on them.

Shame on all of us for letting our world get like this.

We all played a part. Either by participating, or sitting back and watching.

We need to do better.

We deserve better.

Be kind.

Know your value

There are times in your life where you realize those people who value you, and those who do not. 

Sometimes all it takes is a fight to show true colors. 

Other times it’s finding out that they are cheating you in some way. Maybe they are telling your personal business to other people. Maybe they are actually lying to your face about things. 

Sometimes they just pull away and dont show you the respect you deserve by explaining the problems to you, they are too busy telling them to everyone else. 

The only thing that comes out of these situations is knowing that you respect yourself enough to Never cry for that person who doesn’t know the value of your tears. 

💗💗💗