I just want things to slow down for just a few damn days. Time to take a breath. Be part of the calm. Remind myself who I am as a person, not just the runner of errands.
When I was little, I would always notice that there seemed to be two types of people.
The first type seemed to consist of people who were always too careful, too worried about other people’s opinions. They did what other people wanted, wore cloths to look like the peeple around them, and tried there best to “Just Fit In”.
The second type tends to be more rambunctious. They are louder, they laugh a lot and they seemed to flutter around and talk to everyone.
Neither group seemed to be very deep into these conversations that they were having. Neither group seemed to really be listening to people, they kept it more superficial but I didn’t understand why.
I never seemed to fit into those types of groups, and spent a long time thinking something was wrong with me because of that.
But I was wrong.
For years I stayed around people I didn’t like, because I felt like it made me fit in better. I watched how much I voiced my opinions, because not everyone agreed with me and I am not always up for what feels like a violent debate on my opinion. People are asshole and they don’t like you to feel different then you, so they ram their opinions down your throat instead.
For too long I worried about people’s feelings, when they blatantly did not care about mine. I stepped up to bat for them over and over again just to have them tear me to shreds when talking about me to others. I would even have the audacity to be HURT when words they said got back to me.
For too many years I spoke negatively. I used my words to explain the wrongs around me, and not as much about the good things that were surrounding me. I can say that I did this because that’s seems to be the society norm (which it is) but that would be lying. I made a choice.
It’s time for this all to change. You don’t get to have power over me society. I do.
It’s time to make the choices that benefit my family and myself. I have neglected myself for far too long to be caught up in societies bullshit anymore.
There is never a day that goes by that it doesn’t show its ugly head. Day in and day out I find a different way to panic over something small that has happened. Every day It seems as if I handle it worse than before. But how do I stop?
Anxiety is real.
It is the one that likes to be in charge. It thinks it can come and go as it pleases. It cares very little about the people who get hurt in the process of a fit.
In a world where mental illness has been looked down on for so long, this is still the one that people love to say people make it up just to excuse bad behavior. To those who believe that, I dare you to live in someone’s head when this happens. Try to explain to yourself that it is fake, that you are making it a bigger deal then what it really is. See if it listens to you any better than it listens to us. When you fail, which you will, then I would love for you to come back and apologize instead of mock us. I would love to see understanding in your eyes instead of disbelief that we CHOSE to do this AGAIN.
It humbles me to realize that I have only just begun to fight this battle just in the last ten years or so, and it is still a very small fight in the grand scheme of people who deal with this. I can leave my house, go to work, be in social settings sometimes, and many of other things that I have heard can be problematic to others. I have very set triggers mostly now, in which I am learning coping mechanisms for. Sooner rather than later I may end up talking to a doctor about better options. For now, it’s a day-to-day battle for me.
Anxiety is only a very small part of me. One that has been happening all along since I started having children more than likely, but was low-key enough that I didn’t recognize any warning signs. No one felt the need to bring it up to me. This could be because of the stigmata that came along with any mental illness, or it could be that I was masking it so well that it was truthfully not seen by anyone including myself.
I bring this up not because it is a topic I enjoy, but because it is something that I know is an everyday problem for many of people. I know that I am not alone, and I know that the only way to fix a stigmata is to speak about it instead of hide it.
It is a battle.
And I will win.
Every disagrees on the how’s and why’s of our conception but there is one thing I know for sure.
I was not put here to make YOU happy. My job is to make myself happy. I will stretch and stretch to appease you, but remember I break just like you do. At some point certain relationships in your life can feel like they don’t understand exactly how much you bend for them to make them happy. Eventually the bending stops.
The biggest person for you to focus on is yourself.
Stop picking on others because you can’t accept yourself. Quit assuming everything is about you. Most people talk behind people’s back to make themselves feel better. Most people take things personal when they feel quilty.
I won’t apologize for choosing me.
Neither should you.
That question stops me in my tracks a lot.
I have no real answer. What am I waiting for? It’s like everyone waits around for so much of there lives they forget what they were going to do in the first place.
Working around people who are dying, sooner rather than later, I always hear people talking with regrets.
“I wish I spent more time with my family”
“I wish I would have realized that my work wouldn’t be the one here with me in my last moments”
“I wish that I would have told “___________” that I loved them”
“I wish I would have taken more chances“
So what in the world makes us chose to push these plans off? Why have I waited so long to start this blog? Why can I not convince myself to just sit down and write my novel?
Why can’t I decide who I want to be when I grow up? I feel like when I turned 12 I had a better idea of who I wanted to be then I did when I turned 30. Some people like to tell me that it is normal to feel that way, but I don’t. I think that is just crazy.
And yet maybe it is the answer too. At 12, I had no self-doubt. I hadn’t lost my first love yet, I hadn’t become a teenage mom and surely never tried to live on my own with my own bills. Those bills, man do they make you take whatever job that you can get as fast as possible. All of a sudden, those aspirations to the dream job hit the back burner.
So when do you get to pull back the reigns and take control of your own life? Your own destination. What in the world are we waiting for?
Waiting won’t bring prince charming. Waiting won’t pay our bills. Waiting sure won’t make you any happier will it? Waiting doesn’t make your life get any better. It makes it stretch on, same thing every day.
At what point do you just take the leap?
Happy Father’s day to all Fathers out there.
To the men that stay.
To the men that step in when others step out.
To the men that are not allowed to spend time with their children.
To the men who have lost and buried the children that were meant to outlive them, under any and all circumstances.
As the kids have all gotten out for Summer break by now, I quickly see where the problem is going to be.
There has to always be one.
This year it will be electronics. I can’t stand how lazy electronic options have made my kids. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Kindles, televisions, Dad’s Xbox, older brothers PlayStation.
Who care about bikes, scooters, trampolines and swimming pools that are all at out fingertips. None of that seems to matter.
Today I got mad and told them that if I caught them just sitting and staring at the big dumb box any more without at least playing with Legos or army guys, that I would unplug the televisions for the whole summer.
It is amazing how many ways that one saying, one picture, one song, can affect people. This is a saying that my Grandmother used to say to me when I would get into a fight with my neighborhood friends, or my cousins at a family get together. She would show up out of no where it seemed, just to put her arm around my shoulder and between huffing and puffing she would spit this sentence out. As loving as she was, she wasn't as loving to her own self. So here she would pull her oxygen out of her nose, just so that she could light her cigarette, and put the piece back into her nose to keep her breathing better as she pulled off that cancer stick. It's funny the way our memories come and go.
Imagine the place that gives you the most peace.
Imagine not being surrounded by work drama, family or friends drama or even your kids drama.
What gives you a reason to sigh with contentment?
That momentary bliss?
Go there. Make it a goal. Add it to your list.
Simply because you need to surround yourself with things that keep you as happy as possible.
Pick you. Choose you. Add you to your list.
You are a priority. You are your OWN priority. Don’t wait to be someone else’s.