“Sorry to my unknown lover

sorry that I can’t believe

that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me

sorry to my unknown lover

sorry I could be so blind

didn’t mean to leave you and all of the things that we had behind”

Halsey manages to rip my heart open again every time that I chose to listen to her music. This woman puts everything that she is thinking and feeling out there and I envy her for that.

My busy life has me pulled away from here recently, but I am working my way back to you all. Thanks for staying along for the ride.

The memories that smack us

I remember sitting at the fold out table with my father as a child, listening to records that were playing much too loud for the others in our family. They would complain until they eventually left the house in search of other places that brought regular volumes.

These were the days that I lived for those days.

He didn’t really focus on me too much, caught up in teaching me chess or showing me the best sounds/songs he had purchased over the years. We would debate the quality of the speakers every time, while deciding what we thought each song meant and how they came up with the music behind those specific words. The sun would stream through the finger print covered windows, allowing our laughter the chance to float outside along with whatever song we were jamming to at that moment.

I know I didn’t appreciate this enough at the timing, but it is one of my most cherished memories looking back at that timing with my Dad.

The words we say

Why do we speak to ourself in ways that we can’t imagine speaking to others?

How many times do we look in a mirror and say the meanest things we can think of to the reflection?

I go about living life again until I see a picture of myself, or a sudden mirrored surface shows me myself and that’s all it takes. Suddenly the self hate returns, vile and inconceivable things.

No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean things someone’s gonna think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last few hours.

Between the looks in the mirror and unfaltering doubt I have in my own abilities, it sure leaves a lot of self hate to swim in.

All I ever wanted was to be someone else

At some point I knew that I was going to have to change the perogative to be able to keep from drowning.

This has to be one of the hardest things in life to do since it is never ending. Every day I have to push the positive thought line, multiple times a day if I am honest. I started with just one or two, and have progressed to forcing a positive thought pretty much every time I have a negative thought.

This doesn’t always work I need to be honest. Just like everyone else I have down days that just can’t be talked out of. I receive phone calls with bad news, or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. My family is amazing at dealing with me through these days, so I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. Most don’t it seems.

Stay positive. The world isn’t gonna get better being negative about it. There are two sides to life. You choose which one you wanna live.

Next phase

I know you’re rushing to get to that next phase in your life.

You’re sick and tired of being where you’re at and feel like you should be somewhere else doing greater things.

You’re stressing yourself to have more.

You’re giving yourself anxiety tricking yourself that you are behind.

Listen to me, you are exactly where you should be at.

You’re where you are at because there are a few more lessons you have to learn before you go into the next phase.

But I’ll tell you this, as long as you’re moving, you’re not stuck.

As long as you keep working you’re not stagnant. Be okay with taking steps and not running.

You’ll have experiences where you’re running.

This stage isn’t that.

Life is making you walk because you have a lot to learn at this moment in time.

You need more time to gather all of this information.

* Found on social media, hitting me at just the right time. *

Let the tears flow

I can’t stop the tears these days after gun violence has rocked America yet again. Nineteen fourth graders dead. 19 families having their whole world rocked. 19 tiny caskets will be buried, most likely before their parents, maybe even before their Grandparents. 19 final outfits picked, final pictures blasted all over the news, and final memories to gut those closest to them for many years to come.

The two teachers that were gunned down did everything they could to save those children but were never given a fair chance. They died hero’s even if they will never know that. One of them had been married to her high school sweetheart, having had four children with her in that time. Two days later, her husband has a heart attack, likely from a broken heart, and leaves those children parentless.

The amount of children with horror stories that will rival anyone they will ever meet is mind-blowing. Children talking about laying on top of their dead school mates to keep them off the floor, or the fact that a flimsy curtain that hung around the area that they were hiding was enough to keep them alive.

As a country we already fail at handing PTSD in out Veterans.

As a country we are also already failing at understanding and handling mental health any better.

This isn’t political and shame on you and anyone else for hiding behind that sentence to make them feel better about doing nothing. There are some things that needs laws to change, however there are many things that can be done on a personal level, through volunteer services and creative thinking.

These minds will be now dealing with the traumatic repercussions that we see our wartime soldiers deal with, except they are 9 and 10 years old. I am not sure where the other grade levels were in the building but that doesn’t discredit their trauma either.

I am so angry. Heartbroken. Gutted even.

I know we all feel it. I know we all struggled to absorb the details and hear the ways it was mishandled so far. We all flash back to any other school/mass shooting that we last felt this way about. My flashback went straight to Sandy Hook since it was also young children, but quickly followed by so many others. Every one of us know what it’s like to be a young innocent child. We know what it’s like to be emotionally attached to other humans, knowing that we would never wish upon them the trauma of having anything to do with these shootings.

I am not political. I am unsure where I land on gun control. My world has been rocked at a insanely stupid age by gun violence, just like so many other have as well. However it is also correct that banning guns will not keep them out of criminals hands. This post has NOTHING to do with conversations about guns whatsoever. I will leave that conversation to people who have more at stake with this, and maybe not so negatively affected by gun violence.

Please spend time looking around to find ways to volunteer to help your local areas. America or not, we all need people. We all need mental health help, we all need to help our Veteran, our homeless, our sick and lonely neighbors.

You never know what’s going on behind someones eyes or what they are planning. Evil will always be evil, but perhaps reaching out in any way you can think may make them realize that kindness will always win. Even if evil will steal all the attention on the news.

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