The memories that smack us

I remember sitting at the fold out table with my father as a child, listening to records that were playing much too loud for the others in our family. They would complain until they eventually left the house in search of other places that brought regular volumes.

These were the days that I lived for those days.

He didn’t really focus on me too much, caught up in teaching me chess or showing me the best sounds/songs he had purchased over the years. We would debate the quality of the speakers every time, while deciding what we thought each song meant and how they came up with the music behind those specific words. The sun would stream through the finger print covered windows, allowing our laughter the chance to float outside along with whatever song we were jamming to at that moment.

I know I didn’t appreciate this enough at the timing, but it is one of my most cherished memories looking back at that timing with my Dad.

The words we say

Why do we speak to ourself in ways that we can’t imagine speaking to others?

How many times do we look in a mirror and say the meanest things we can think of to the reflection?

I go about living life again until I see a picture of myself, or a sudden mirrored surface shows me myself and that’s all it takes. Suddenly the self hate returns, vile and inconceivable things.

No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean things someone’s gonna think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last few hours.

Between the looks in the mirror and unfaltering doubt I have in my own abilities, it sure leaves a lot of self hate to swim in.

All I ever wanted was to be someone else

At some point I knew that I was going to have to change the perogative to be able to keep from drowning.

This has to be one of the hardest things in life to do since it is never ending. Every day I have to push the positive thought line, multiple times a day if I am honest. I started with just one or two, and have progressed to forcing a positive thought pretty much every time I have a negative thought.

This doesn’t always work I need to be honest. Just like everyone else I have down days that just can’t be talked out of. I receive phone calls with bad news, or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. My family is amazing at dealing with me through these days, so I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. Most don’t it seems.

Stay positive. The world isn’t gonna get better being negative about it. There are two sides to life. You choose which one you wanna live.

Next phase

I know you’re rushing to get to that next phase in your life.

You’re sick and tired of being where you’re at and feel like you should be somewhere else doing greater things.

You’re stressing yourself to have more.

You’re giving yourself anxiety tricking yourself that you are behind.

Listen to me, you are exactly where you should be at.

You’re where you are at because there are a few more lessons you have to learn before you go into the next phase.

But I’ll tell you this, as long as you’re moving, you’re not stuck.

As long as you keep working you’re not stagnant. Be okay with taking steps and not running.

You’ll have experiences where you’re running.

This stage isn’t that.

Life is making you walk because you have a lot to learn at this moment in time.

You need more time to gather all of this information.

* Found on social media, hitting me at just the right time. *

Let the tears flow

I can’t stop the tears these days after gun violence has rocked America yet again. Nineteen fourth graders dead. 19 families having their whole world rocked. 19 tiny caskets will be buried, most likely before their parents, maybe even before their Grandparents. 19 final outfits picked, final pictures blasted all over the news, and final memories to gut those closest to them for many years to come.

The two teachers that were gunned down did everything they could to save those children but were never given a fair chance. They died hero’s even if they will never know that. One of them had been married to her high school sweetheart, having had four children with her in that time. Two days later, her husband has a heart attack, likely from a broken heart, and leaves those children parentless.

The amount of children with horror stories that will rival anyone they will ever meet is mind-blowing. Children talking about laying on top of their dead school mates to keep them off the floor, or the fact that a flimsy curtain that hung around the area that they were hiding was enough to keep them alive.

As a country we already fail at handing PTSD in out Veterans.

As a country we are also already failing at understanding and handling mental health any better.

This isn’t political and shame on you and anyone else for hiding behind that sentence to make them feel better about doing nothing. There are some things that needs laws to change, however there are many things that can be done on a personal level, through volunteer services and creative thinking.

These minds will be now dealing with the traumatic repercussions that we see our wartime soldiers deal with, except they are 9 and 10 years old. I am not sure where the other grade levels were in the building but that doesn’t discredit their trauma either.

I am so angry. Heartbroken. Gutted even.

I know we all feel it. I know we all struggled to absorb the details and hear the ways it was mishandled so far. We all flash back to any other school/mass shooting that we last felt this way about. My flashback went straight to Sandy Hook since it was also young children, but quickly followed by so many others. Every one of us know what it’s like to be a young innocent child. We know what it’s like to be emotionally attached to other humans, knowing that we would never wish upon them the trauma of having anything to do with these shootings.

I am not political. I am unsure where I land on gun control. My world has been rocked at a insanely stupid age by gun violence, just like so many other have as well. However it is also correct that banning guns will not keep them out of criminals hands. This post has NOTHING to do with conversations about guns whatsoever. I will leave that conversation to people who have more at stake with this, and maybe not so negatively affected by gun violence.

Please spend time looking around to find ways to volunteer to help your local areas. America or not, we all need people. We all need mental health help, we all need to help our Veteran, our homeless, our sick and lonely neighbors.

You never know what’s going on behind someones eyes or what they are planning. Evil will always be evil, but perhaps reaching out in any way you can think may make them realize that kindness will always win. Even if evil will steal all the attention on the news.

Little Sara

Little Sara, you’re a diamond in the rough
And I know that you don’t hear this all enough
And I’m sure that’s why your wrists have tons of cuts
And I’m sure that’s why you think you’re not enough
On your nineteenth birthday you thought that you were done
Tons of people in your home, but it only felt like one
‘Cause your brain can only think about the waiting loaded gun
But your friends are all still here, so pretend you’re having fun
All your friends they wanna drink ’cause it’s your birthday
But you’ve been drinking straight probably since last Thursday
Drinking is the only thing that makes you feel just okay
It keeps the trigger finger off the trigger and at bay
Your mind can only think about the things it shouldn’t
Your brain is filled with thoughts of wishing that ya didn’t
Little Sarah, perk your ears up try to listen
But she can’t hear a sound because she’s locked in a prison

She can barely see the pavement, she can barely read the signs
People think she’s complicated but never wanna look inside
‘Cause she’s a little too R-rated and they’re a little too damn blind
She’s just looking for her angels, but they’re a little hard to find

Mm, mm, mm

Little Sara, you’ve been skipping out in class
And any minute now your friends are gonna ask
Why the hell you’re always acting sorta sad
Why the hell your weed just never seems to last
But the truth is you don’t wanna let your secret out
‘Cause they think it’s wrong for you to take a different route
All except your mom too bad that she’s just not around
And don’t get me wrong those words you’ve tried to get them out
But their views been skewed by their plastic news from their plasma tubes
So they won’t fit in your shoes
Except for Sunday blues, but you got Monday blues
You got Tuesday blues, damn every day ya might lose
All your friends they wanna smoke ’cause it’s a Friday
But you’ve been smoking straight probably since last Sunday
I know you know you shouldn’t say that you are okay
But you still look ’em in the eye and lie then go to use your ashtray

She can barely see the pavement, she can barely read the signs
People think she’s complicated but never wanna look inside
‘Cause she’s a little too R-rated and they’re a little too damn blind
She’s just looking for her angels, but they’re a little hard to find

Mm, mm, mm

Little Sarah, last night you got it bad
In that moment you could barely even add up two or three reasons why you’re glad
And I guess that’s why you grabbed your pen and pad
It was 6:14 and you could barely even read
All the words you’d written down of why it was time for you to leave
Your phone was on the ground and you could barely hear it ring
Couldn’t even hear a sound, couldn’t feel a single thing
Now, it’s 6:15 and you’re on your knees, blood is on your sleeves
And your lungs won’t breathe, eyes are watering, body’s shivering
And you’re wondering what is happening
Now, it’s 6:23, and they’re on their knees, begging Jesus please
Can you make her breathe
‘Cause they finally see what was happening underneath their nose
And underneath your sleeves

Mm

She can barely see the pavement, she can barely read the signs
People think she’s complicated but never wanna look inside
‘Cause she’s a little too R-rated and they’re a little too damn blind
She’s just looking for her angels, but they’re a little hard to find

Source: LyricFind

This song took my breath away when i first heard it. I will repost it on all of my platforms a good amount so I apologize.

This song is called Sara, by We Three

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