For the entire month of November I will be thankful to every memory that I have.
The good and the bad.
Every person that has come into my life, with extra feeling to those that have walked out in whatever form. People come and go and the majority of the time we aren’t supposed to understand why I’ve decided.
I am not one of those that post my thanks daily however. To be honest I’ve never posted a thankful post at all actually. So this is a first and a last all in one.
Nothing against poeple who do, i just have a horrible memory and wint stick to it. Kudos to those who are able to.
Acceptance to all of our differences and understanding to all of our opposing thoughts.
Learning the healthy normal in my relationship is going to be the new challenge in my life. We have forgotten how to function as a couple with all this running around parenting and working.
Recently he has had to switch a different shift that works him an opposite shift as mine. As much as space is something that our relationship thrives from, this may be a little too much space.
So I am looking around at different things that can help us re-center our focus. While I am mainly focused on getting us fun positive time together as a couple, I also would love to strengthen our communication.
Yup, I said it.
That magic “C” word that always gets thrown around in a relationship. Everyone can stand to do a little work in that department, at any point of the relationship. However when we are as strained as we are, I think that it is important.
Check back soon to see if I can get him on board as well. 🙂
Like the jetty
You’ve stood there
Getting struck by waves
Now you stand,
Wise and skilled as ever…
And just like the jetty,
With every high tide and heavy
Who says erosion is a bad thing?
Erosion in the process in which water,
Our people and surroundings,
Transforms pieces of us
Ultimately for safe-keeping.
It’s the process in which we perfect our jetty
By utilizing the heavy waves
That are the mistakes and/or misfortunes
Handed to us by the ocean
-found on google and fit my mood perfectly
So I am not sure when they decided that September was suicide awareness month, but I am having a rough time with it. I am absolutely all for the surge of awareness for prevention, don’t get me wrong.
On a selfish note, the timing sucks.
The beginning of October will mark nineteen years since my life was forever changed. This is one of those weird situations where I feel selfish talking about how it affected me instead of how the family members were affected. I see his mothers posts on social media and it tears my heart apart to imagine what she is going through. As a mother, I fight trying to imagine the life that she has been forced to live. As much as I love the woman, she makes me think of him too much and I have never been able to handle that. That makes me feel like such a bad human. She has done nothing but been amazing to me, but I get the feeling that I remind her of him as well. How do I fix that?
The boy that I knew deserved more then the life he lived to be cut short. I want to know the battles he faced. I want to go back and be able to talk to him more, have deeper questions and conversations, with a better understanding of mental health. He didn’t deserve to fight that alone. He didn’t deserve to feel like the world would ever be a better place if he weren’t in it. I think that’s what breaks me the most. The idea that this boy I loved, this boy that I considered my best friend, this boy that I was planning my life to revolve around, thought that we would all be better without him.
I know I was super young, and naïve. I know that there was lots of kids in the family so it is hard to get super invested in each kid the way you could if its an only child. I am also aware that teenagers do everything possible to not let parents in. He slipped through the cracks of a otherwise perfect family. Seriously this was the family that I was always jealous of. All the brothers and sisters, the always present parents and grandparents. Don’t get me wrong my family is amazing, but there wasn’t a lot of us and that family seemed like the big happy family that I always thought I wanted.
So how did he get away with committing suicide?
That question never gets easier.
There is never any answers either.
Anyone else love baseball? No just me? That’s okay too.
I have been being called out to the water for a few months now but the weather keeps getting in my way along with busy schedules of course. The other day I finally found the cutest beach to go to and I have to admit I felt a sense of being home. How can someone who has never lived on the water feel so completely at home when near it? Still havent gotten out onto a boat yet, and I may have to admit that I wont be able to this year.
But the serenity I found while staring out at its vastness is unmatched. The way my heart calmed to listen to the beat of the surf lapping on the sand.
Watching my middle sons excitement as he learned to battle against the waves made my heart swell. He feels it too. That calling. That need to be there. My oldest fights and complains about the sand, the youngest is scared to get too far in since she doesnt like water in her face.
To find something to tame the one wild child tho makes it even better. Id go back with him right now if I wasnt chained to this work chair by the shackles of being an adult.