Erosions

Like the jetty

You’ve stood there

Getting struck by waves

For years.

Now you stand,

Strong

Majestic,

Wise and skilled as ever…

And just like the jetty,

You erode

With every high tide and heavy

Wave;

Yet,

Who says erosion is a bad thing?

After all

Erosion in the process in which water,

Our people and surroundings,

Transforms pieces of us

Over time,

Ultimately for safe-keeping.

It’s the process in which we perfect our jetty

By utilizing the heavy waves

That are the mistakes and/or misfortunes

Handed to us by the ocean

Our universe.

-found on google and fit my mood perfectly

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The unanswerable question

So I am not sure when they decided that September was suicide awareness month, but I am having a rough time with it. I am absolutely all for the surge of awareness for prevention, don’t get me wrong.

On a selfish note, the timing sucks.

The beginning of October will mark nineteen years since my life was forever changed. This is one of those weird situations where I feel selfish talking about how it affected me instead of how the family members were affected. I see his mothers posts on social media and it tears my heart apart to imagine what she is going through. As a mother, I fight trying to imagine the life that she has been  forced to live. As much as I love the woman, she makes me think of him too much and I have never been able to handle that. That makes me feel like such a bad human. She has done nothing but been amazing to me, but I get the feeling that I remind her of him as well. How do I fix that?

The boy that I knew deserved more then the life he lived to be cut short. I want to know the battles he faced. I want to go back and be able to talk to him more, have deeper questions and conversations, with a better understanding of mental health. He didn’t deserve to fight that alone. He didn’t deserve to feel like the world would ever be a better place if he weren’t in it. I think that’s what breaks me the most. The idea that this boy I loved, this boy that I considered my best friend, this boy that I was planning my life to revolve around, thought that we would all be better without him.

I know I was super young, and naïve. I know that there was lots of kids in the family so it is hard to get super invested in each kid the way you could if its an only child. I am also aware that teenagers do everything possible to not let parents in. He slipped through the cracks of a otherwise perfect family. Seriously this was the family that I was always jealous of. All the brothers and sisters, the always present parents and grandparents. Don’t get me wrong my family is amazing, but there wasn’t a lot of us and that family seemed like the big happy family that I always thought I wanted.

So how did he get away with committing suicide?

That question never gets easier.

There is never any answers either.

My serenity

I have been being called out to the water for a few months now but the weather keeps getting in my way along with busy schedules of course. The other day I finally found the cutest beach to go to and I have to admit I felt a sense of being home. How can someone who has never lived on the water feel so completely at home when near it? Still havent gotten out onto a boat yet, and I may have to admit that I wont be able to this year.

But the serenity I found while staring out at its vastness is unmatched. The way my heart calmed to listen to the beat of the surf lapping on the sand.

Watching my middle sons excitement as he learned to battle against the waves made my heart swell. He feels it too. That calling. That need to be there. My oldest fights and complains about the sand, the youngest is scared to get too far in since she doesnt like water in her face.

To find something to tame the one wild child tho makes it even better. Id go back with him right now if I wasnt chained to this work chair by the shackles of being an adult.

Not to be dramatic

I recently had a close friend of mine leave our workplace. We planned for multiple get togethers and we just knew that we would text each other just as much as we had been.

The first week goes by and we spoke every dang day. Then as the weeks went on it sure became faurther apart that we sent each other cute memes or updates.

It is now a few months since she left and we barely speak.

Adult friendships are hard.

Most days we break

Most days I can take the good’s and the bad’s without blinking an eye.

Other day’s I find myself crying the second I see tears in anyone else’s eyes.

Today is one of those days that the tears just don’t seem to want to stop.

I have always known that I don’t handle sick kids very well. I can’t watch things (shows, movies, the news) that kids are sick or being hurt. That one is an obvious one for me.

Recently I have realized that cancer is another hot spot with me. The more people around me that get diagnosed, the more emotional and aggravated I get.

Cancer has been around forever it seems, and touches everyone in some way or another.

Logically, I understand that.

Realistically I find myself going thru serious rounds of resentment and bitterness. Everytime someone around me gets diagnosed or tells me their story, it starts again.

The empath side of me forces me to stay away from as much of it as possible. The medical side of me laughs at the the silliness of that.

Every one of my patients stories gets to me. When they leave me after the original diagnosis with so much sadness, and then everytime they come back looking lost and frail. The hope gets depleted, the fight leaving them.

We can’t lose that hope for them, because when we do it affects how we care for them. We can’t close our hearts to them, falling a bit in love with every one of them as they come and go. We cry with them and their loved ones because we can’t figure out how to treat with empathy and not actually have our hearts broken for them.

Other times we hold a strong front in place to help them be strong, be it cancer or any other illness. Sometimes it is much more work to hide it.

What makes me stay? They still deserve that respect and empathy at every turn of their journey. Sick, scared, dying. They deserve the respect, and I can’t gaurentee that they will get that if I am not there.

So days like this I work extra hard to suck it up. There is plenty of time later for me to deal with those tears.

#fuckcancer