I have lived a life that most people react to with shock.]
I didn’t ask for it, but I wouldn’t change it either. Any change in how things have gone in these complicated 34 years and I wouldn’t be where I am today, surrounded by the amazing people around me.
I have been thru things that some will never go thru in their entire life. I have spent a lot of years having to explain choices as to how or why I did things the way that I did. I spent just as much time questioning how or why I was chosen to be the one to be blessed with these events as well.
I have also spent a lot of times hiding. It took three years for my current coworkers to find out about the death of my ex-boyfriend to suicide. It took closer to five for them to learn about the adoption. There are still other events that they have yet to learn.
I can’t always explain it, even to myself.
At first it was that I was sick of dealing with people’s opinions. It always came at times that I didn’t want it. Some were positive, some negative. It never mattered which way people felt, I wasn’t wanting any of them. I never wanted to appear as rude, it’s only that it was the most personal events that had happened in my life and the opinions were coming from people that were not there. They have no idea the situations that surrounded the decisions made. So why would the opinions make any difference to me now?
However these days we are not allowed to not care about anyone and everyone’s opinions.
You see, the only feelings and opinions that should affect me should be the ones directly involved with the decision. In everyone’s heart, they know that. However that does not stop them from trying to validate the scenario by either agreeing with me or having to tell my why they don’t.
It isn’t that I don’t respect the opinions being given, nor is it that I don’t appreciate the reason that most people are trying to give it in the first place. In most cases they are trying to find a way to make me feel better.
It is just that I respect myself more.
I started this battle as a young teenager that had no grasp on who I was, or who I could become. Wave after wave has taken me down every time, but I have gotten back up. Each time, I have had to find the strength from deep within to convince myself to keep fighting. You can’t go through that many battles without learning your value.