Where it begins

Apologize to your body.

Maybe

Thats where the healing begins.

Unknown

It’s okay

It’s okay

It’s okay to miss them

It’s okay to say their name

It’s okay to cry

It’s okay to breathe deeply

It’s okay to smile when you think of them

It’s okay to function

Its okay to have days where you cant function

It’s okay to be angry

It’s okay to be thankful

It’s okay to love again

It’s okay to remember

It’s okay to hope

It’s okay to be honest

It’s okay to trust again

It’s okay

It’s okay

It’s okay

Scribbles & Crumbs

❤❤381❤❤

19 years of surviving without him.

The unanswerable question

So I am not sure when they decided that September was suicide awareness month, but I am having a rough time with it. I am absolutely all for the surge of awareness for prevention, don’t get me wrong.

On a selfish note, the timing sucks.

The beginning of October will mark nineteen years since my life was forever changed. This is one of those weird situations where I feel selfish talking about how it affected me instead of how the family members were affected. I see his mothers posts on social media and it tears my heart apart to imagine what she is going through. As a mother, I fight trying to imagine the life that she has been  forced to live. As much as I love the woman, she makes me think of him too much and I have never been able to handle that. That makes me feel like such a bad human. She has done nothing but been amazing to me, but I get the feeling that I remind her of him as well. How do I fix that?

The boy that I knew deserved more then the life he lived to be cut short. I want to know the battles he faced. I want to go back and be able to talk to him more, have deeper questions and conversations, with a better understanding of mental health. He didn’t deserve to fight that alone. He didn’t deserve to feel like the world would ever be a better place if he weren’t in it. I think that’s what breaks me the most. The idea that this boy I loved, this boy that I considered my best friend, this boy that I was planning my life to revolve around, thought that we would all be better without him.

I know I was super young, and naïve. I know that there was lots of kids in the family so it is hard to get super invested in each kid the way you could if its an only child. I am also aware that teenagers do everything possible to not let parents in. He slipped through the cracks of a otherwise perfect family. Seriously this was the family that I was always jealous of. All the brothers and sisters, the always present parents and grandparents. Don’t get me wrong my family is amazing, but there wasn’t a lot of us and that family seemed like the big happy family that I always thought I wanted.

So how did he get away with committing suicide?

That question never gets easier.

There is never any answers either.

I still miss you

No matter how much changes in this life I will always miss you.

No matter how happy I become, how much I love my life now,or how much I love the people I chose to surround myself with…. I will always miss you.

It doesnt matter how long its been. It doesn’t matter if everything I kept to remind me of you is gone. It doesnt matter if I have forgotten the sound of your voice, or the exact mannerism you used to posess…. I will always miss you.

I closed the chapter. I opened another. I cherish every part to do with my life now. I still miss you.

Now I wonder if the version of you in my head is real or if its shifted into what I want to remember versus what I don’t want to, but I still miss you.

You live on. Even if you didn’t want to.

Most days we break

Most days I can take the good’s and the bad’s without blinking an eye.

Other day’s I find myself crying the second I see tears in anyone else’s eyes.

Today is one of those days that the tears just don’t seem to want to stop.

I have always known that I don’t handle sick kids very well. I can’t watch things (shows, movies, the news) that kids are sick or being hurt. That one is an obvious one for me.

Recently I have realized that cancer is another hot spot with me. The more people around me that get diagnosed, the more emotional and aggravated I get.

Cancer has been around forever it seems, and touches everyone in some way or another.

Logically, I understand that.

Realistically I find myself going thru serious rounds of resentment and bitterness. Everytime someone around me gets diagnosed or tells me their story, it starts again.

The empath side of me forces me to stay away from as much of it as possible. The medical side of me laughs at the the silliness of that.

Every one of my patients stories gets to me. When they leave me after the original diagnosis with so much sadness, and then everytime they come back looking lost and frail. The hope gets depleted, the fight leaving them.

We can’t lose that hope for them, because when we do it affects how we care for them. We can’t close our hearts to them, falling a bit in love with every one of them as they come and go. We cry with them and their loved ones because we can’t figure out how to treat with empathy and not actually have our hearts broken for them.

Other times we hold a strong front in place to help them be strong, be it cancer or any other illness. Sometimes it is much more work to hide it.

What makes me stay? They still deserve that respect and empathy at every turn of their journey. Sick, scared, dying. They deserve the respect, and I can’t gaurentee that they will get that if I am not there.

So days like this I work extra hard to suck it up. There is plenty of time later for me to deal with those tears.

#fuckcancer

Mental Health Needs your help

Mental Health is not a joke.

Being a person that was born into a family that has not been kissed by any sever mental health disorders, it took me some years to start learning that most people around us have something affecting them daily.

It doesn’t have to have a big fancy name attached to it to mean something. So many people deal with situation depression, situational anxiety and so on.

It’s important to keep in mind that everybody is dealing with their own battles, and it isn’t your job to fix it. You don’t even really have to understand it.

The only job that you are tasked with is to be supportive to those that are battling.

They battle out loud just as much as the battle behind closed doors.

The stigma that surrounds Mental Health anymore is not going to be won in a macro sense until it is handled in a micro way.

That means that you and I have a job to do.

Everyone of us needs to stop staying quite when you see someone suffering.

Take that step. Offer to stand beside the people around you that are struggling.

Stop standing back and letting them battle in silence.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States in 2017. 

Each year 47,173 AMERICANS die by suicide. 

There is 1,400,000 Suicide attempts in 2017 alone. 

Suicide costs the United States $51 Billion annually. 

Men die of suicide 3.5 times MORE than women. 

In 2017 firearms accounted for 50.57% off all suicide deaths. 

There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. 

An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors. 

The average age of the of suicide victims? 

MIDDLE AGED WHITE MEN

 

Which side wins?

The walls are closing in for no reason again. The couch keeps calling my name. The fight to go outside seems to getting harder and harder. I cancel appointments, avoid social outings, and generically find ways to be home, alone.

There isnt a reason. There isnt even an explanation. It just seems to keep happening.

I keep saying I need someone to show up at my door and force me to get back into life, but really I just need me to force myself to do it all.

No one else put me here, so why would I need them to pull me out?

I need to be my own warrior.