I recently had an old friend send me a message telling me that he is very aware of the pain he caused in my life. The constant drama, the pain of lose of friendship by a person I called my best friend for many years.
And I find myself at a loss.
I have forgiven him before after a different seperation of friendship, just to have him do the same thing again.
I know better then to fall for this again.
I felt nothing however and I thought I would.
I felt no relief, no concern, no worry about how he has been.
Have I grown that much that I have figured out how to shut the door permanently on people who have shown constant negativity?
I was watching a youtube video the other day of Jason Segal and Bryan Cranston when they stumbled upon an interesting topic.
Not many actors find themselves qualified to talk about suicide in front of a camera. These men are no different, however they were speaking on behalf of an author/director that they both knew.
David Foster Wallace.
To be honest, i know none of this mans work. I know very little of his story.
What i do know is that in September of 2008 he committed suicide after a lengthy, likely life long, battle of depression. There are plenty more specifics that I will chose not to add in here, but that information helpes me understand who would be able to blow my mind with just a few sentances in book.
As Jason Segal says it, there is a woman who had attempted to hurt herself. She finds herself at the therapists office afterwards and this conversation happens.
Therapist: Why did you want to hurt yourself?
Survivor: Laughs and says “You‘ll never be able to help me if you think I was trying to HURT myself. I was trying to STOP the pain.”
I’m not going to lie, this blew my mind. Please understand as a person deeply affected by suicide in my life, i felt as if i understood the mindset of someone leaning towards this decision. While I am sure this knowledge is out there, I suppose I have never heard it said in my language until then.
I have always felt that they were running from demons that were bigger then them. Some maybe are unable to keep up with lifes demands, or find themself heavily relying on a substance.
I watched the battle in my best friends eyes but NEVER understood it. I couldn’t see the signs, I couldn’t understand the feelings, and I flat out missed the pain behind the walls.
I vowed to never again miss the signs, but it continued to happen to other people around us and we were startled and devastated every time.
The masks they wore changed.
The pain ate away at them.
Until they only could focus on the relief.
What are you to do, when the thing that hurts you the most is invisible? When your own body attacks you. When your mind never takes that break, and gives you that ability to regroup before the next big thing hits.
At what point does it become socially acceptable to seek help?
At what point do people understand that this is the same thing as any other medical diseases or disorders that you could have been born with?
At what point is it socially acceptable to admit defeat?
Every day you see people quit their diet, their relationships, their jobs and their schools.
How do you quit your mental illness that you didn’t ask to be born with?
This saying is so honest and blunt. I love it.
The anger that is boiling inside you, does not boil inside them.
The reason that you have gotten mad does not get printed out onto your t-shirt for them to read and understand.
The time that you spent thinking about this, being angry about it, you can not get back. They can’t return it to you.
Explain yourself and then take the time to learn to forgive, not for their sake.
Forgive for your sake.