Are you aware?

Have you ever really sat and tried to pay attention to how you affect the people around you? The people close to you but also your old friends and relationships.

Recently I watched a weird video on Facebook that they put old friends, or old lovers in a room together and had then ask each other a series of questions. Some of them were simple questions about when they were closer, how did they interpret or appreciate certain behaviors. Or now that they are so far removed, can you discuss a problem that occurred between the two of you that caused the end of communications.

It made me start to think about whether people who I have severed ties with, their choice or mine, know what kind of memories or hurts I came away with.  Then I realized that was a selfish way to look at it. Did I really feel like I had a grasp on how they felt and what memories that they walked away with?

I don’t.

I never spend the time to care what they walk away thinking or feeling because I am too worried about my own. Which I am led to believe is normal.  I am fairly positive that the majority of them do not spend much time thinking about my feelings.

Matter of fact, I am fairly positive most of them spend the majority of time assuming how I feel without every actually asking me how something has affected me. When did that become the norm?

So here I start thinking about if I have ever left a positive emotion to people who I no longer spend time with. I have always tried to be pleasant with strangers and acquaintances that I touch base with from time to time, so I am not as worried about them right now. I fully believe in the act of kindness to a stranger or person in need. That is what drew me to work in the medical field.

For a person to be an ex lover or an ex friend, that means that at one time they had to be my friend/lover. To be considered that close to me, that means that I liked you enough to allow you that close. I cared enough about you to allow you inside my boundaries. At some point, I loved you.

Sooner or later, in most situations the betrayal that happened in our past will fade, the emotions will diffuse. Sooner or later, the hurt is not fresh. The feelings don’t cut as deep. The wound isn’t open anymore.  And at that point you get to make a choice. Do you decide to move past the feelings and be able to shut the door to the person? Or will you keep that emotion close to your sleeve and react every time you see them or have to talk about them. We all know that it is healthier to forgive and forget, but it sure isn’t easy.

It is much harder to face the realty of what kind of memory they have of you. They got to see you at your worst. When you were hurt, yelling, crying or maybe even just at your wit’s end. Maybe they got to see your jealous side as things got weird.

They saw your mistakes. You saw theirs.

While the friendships or relationships are irreconcilable, you should still take a moment to think about the effect you had on them.

Were you the one that scarred them to hell and back? Did you cause them real emotional damage? Are you the person that they talk about when they describe the horror’s of their life?

The next time that you are complaining about the things that they did to you, the ways they made you feel, can you honestly explain your side of things out loud to another set of ears and not be embarrassed?

Now  of course you should never live your life always apologizing for the things that you have done, and everyone knows that mistakes happen. Everyone has reasons to do the things that they have done. I am not asking you to reconcile with any person in your life, nor do I think that you have to forgive them or look around the wrong doings that they have done to you. I also don’t mean that you have to change yourself in any way because of a jerk who may have a low opinion of you. This is strictly about knowing that you have the ability to effect people, good or bad.

Defend yourself. Respect yourself. Honor yourself. Understand yourself.

Most of all, be yourself.

 

What did life chose for you?

We all like to think that every single thing about ourselves could be a choice. Doesn’t it make you feel a little helpless to realize that some things, no matter how much that we try to say otherwise, are just not our choice?

Is cancer a choice?

Is being born with a birth defect a choice? Yes I understand that a number of those come from a choice of a parent, some are also NOT.  Some are genetic. Some are just a rare thing that happens for unknown reasons.

Is naturally having red hair a choice?

Dyslexia?

Thyroid disease?

Brain disorders?

So how can we accept those to be problems that we are born with, but depression is something that we must have chosen? When did mental illness become so shameful?

Why has it ever been frowned upon like it was a choice? I guess I don’t understand the reasons that it was ever looked at like it was not just another disease that you need to fight with regular medication and therapy, just as one would need to do with diabetes or a medical disorder that affects the muscular system.

Who gets to make these decisions? Who gets to decide who is better than who because of the way that their genetics made them?  Who gets to decide who lives their lives in hiding and who gets to be loud and proud of the lifestyle their DNA setup for them? What about the judgmental people who later in life has life events that change circumstances? Like a woman dealing with postpartum, or a man trying to deal the loss of his parent. Now is it suddenly acceptable?

Were you chosen to be the lucky one who lives their whole childhood healthy, watching others have asthma attacks or seizures? Did you ever have to go back and ask your parent what childhood diabetes meant and why some people needed to check their blood sugars?

Only to grow older and get told that you have cancer and will have to fight for your life while they inject more and more poisons into your body to fight the poison that is already there?

I hope for you judgmental folks to have healthy babies who have healthy babies. I hope for all of you that life doesn’t sneak up on you and teach you the reality of most people in the world. I hope that you never have to be proven wrong.

However I know you will be.

Because that’s what life is all about.

Being born into a life where most of our health conditions are not a choice.

Here is to hoping that the health conditions that life choses for you is on the “ACCEPTABLE” list.

Going for a little stroll

Learning when to shut my mouth has always been a hardship. 

In primary school I was frequently talked to about not talking so much and keeping the sound level of my voice lower. As I aged into high school it became more about the type of things that I was saying instead. 

I am an outspoken person, who has no filter. There is a problem with my ability to understand that just because it ran thru my head, it does not mean it needs to be spoken out loud. 

Choose you thoughts carefully

I have an inner fight every single day to keep my thoughts positive, my feelings neutral and my anger cool. This is not an easy task for me, seeing as I am a reactor. I react to EVERYTHING.  One of the best lessons I was taught growing up came from a teacher I had all the way back in 2nd grade. 

“You may not be able to choose the things that happen to and around you, but you choose everything else. From your reaction, to what you focus on every minute of your day.” 

The 3 person relationship

Have you ever noticed that it is always easier to give advice when it is a situation that you are not involved with?

It is easy to see EXACTLY what the problem is with your friends relationship, and you just can not understand why they stay and put up with it right?

So you set to making sure that they understand that you have the solution to their whole relationship, and it is just that your friend has to leave. There is no way that they deserve all of these bad things that you have heard about happening in their life. The other person in this situation clearly is always wrong, and can never do anything right so what in the world are they doing staying in this relationship?

You act like what you are doing is all in good nature, just to try to help them because you know they deserve better. You bite your tongue and then just make sideways comments about how that is just not normal. You listen to them while they are upset, pick them up when they are hurt and you go and pick them up when “they just need to get out.”

So you must know everything that goes on in that relationship right?

Because everyone goes out and bitches to their friends when they did something wrong to someone else right? They openly and easily confess to having the wrong tone of voice, or over reacting to something said to them. Obviously they will tell you when they hurt the other ones feeling by the choices they made right? Or when they forgot (AGAIN) to do something for the other one, that they have been asking for weeks. Everyone downplays the situation when they are the one that has done something wrong.

Amazingly, you are completely forgiving for any of the wrong doing your friend has done, if they have told you.

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DISCLAIMER: If you know that your friend is being physically abused, please step in and do anything to help. I do understand that sometimes, people have incredibly low self-esteem and stay in a bad relationship because they feel that they deserve it. I completely understand and stand behind the idea of making sure that your friend understands their self worth. What I don’t understand is when you continuously bad mouth your friends relationship, because you yourself do not understand how relationships work. You understand one side, not both.  It take’s both sides to make relationship work.

 

Forgiven, but not forgotten

Relationships are hard.

Every one tells you this and it is so easy to nod you head and act like you understand because you have had relationships your whole life right? Right from the moment that you are in the womb, you are having a relationship with the woman who is carrying you. You may or may not be aware of any of it, but it is happening. You have a mother, a father, possibly siblings, grandparents, neighbors, pet, etc. Just to name a few.

You have been able to handle those haven’t you? Sure some have been easier, some harder. Likely have had some fights with some of them, maybe even stopped talking to one or two of them.

I guarantee that you have been hurt by at least one of them right? Maybe a parent not letting you do what you want, or a comment made by someone who struck the wrong cord with you.

These are all relationship’s though right?

Of course.

So you get into your first grown relationship and everything is butterflies, kisses and laughing right? So what happens when it isn’t?

I don’t mean bad as in fists, pushing  and hurting. I mean what happens when you have to WORK for it.

Yelling. Screaming. Tears. Anger. Hurt. HATE.

That same passion that brought you together causes you passionately fight too. Times like this call for some real love because these fights can get super ugly. You spend your whole life knowing that some people are absolutely born to play on the debate club, while others flounder. This is not the time to be floundering my friends.

It also isn’t the time to whip out that sharp shooting tongue either. It can be really easy to just let loose with every insult that you know, but there is a really important lesson to keep in mind here.

People remember what you said. You were hurt, or mad and lashing out, but they were listening.

Words hurt.

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