When the words take away your air

So there is a tv show that I keep seeing on television that has caught my attention. I first saw the preview as I was sitting with my husband watching a tv show. It hit me like a ton of bricks, where he was able to sit and not even notice that my world had tilted on its axis.

The first few lines in this preview was a man saying something like “You’re not going to believe this, but John (or Jeff or whatever his name is) committed suicide”. I have seen this preview multiple times but I am not able to remember any of the rest of the preview. Each time I see it I get stuck on this sentence that starts the commercial off. I imagine that this man is talking to a buddy, and this is the normal way that they talk to each other so the offhand delivery itself doesn’t catch my attention.

What catches my attention is the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life being affected by lines like these. Its been over a decade since I had to hear those words said in a much softer way to me. A decade since the whispers would stop as I walked into the room, or down the hall, just to have them start again after I passed by. A decade since I had to try to find new pieces to start rebuilding myself since he didn’t think about how it would be affecting anyone else.

Who am I kidding it has almost been TWO decades.

So that’s where this kicker just seems to keep kicking.

18 years later, a whole different life later, and yet it still has the ability to kind the wind out of my lungs better than almost else.

Decisions were made

The other day I was set to figure out what kind of mom decision that I wanted to make. I found myself quickly leaning to the decision to finish my “to do” list around my house. A few hours later I realized that I was actually quite agitated because no matter how detailed my lists became of the things that I was going to do to start knocking things off of the original list, I wasn’t feeling satisfied.  (Yes, I have a list problem. I make lists ABOUT my lists. Then I lose them. Imagine that.)

My body and mind was making the decision for me instead. Almost as if I have subconsciously made the decision to stop screwing myself over.

I spent the next 8 hours typing away trying to finish my novel I am writing. I am so close, I can taste it. Now I am in a position to start looking into how to get my work looked at, edited and all the other fun stuff.

Good thing that Google and YouTube exist to help me figure out my next few steps!

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Mom like decisions

When I woke up today I felt something that I wasn’t very used to recently. Today I woke up with motivation.

Motivation to make a difference in my life. It doesn’t have to be gigantic, it just has to be something that helps me feel like this train I am on can start moving forward again and get out of the mud it is stuck in.

So here I am at work, listening to motivating video’s on Youtube and I am trying to decided where I want this train to move to in the first place. I feel scattered as I realize that I cant even focus and decide if I would like to use this motivation for the long list of to do’s I have for my house, or for bigger life decisions.

Recently I made a goal board, also known as a vision board. I found myself drawn to motivational sayings the whole time. I couldn’t even focus my goals for this next year because I feel out of control. The kids control me. I live as a side note in the life of my family.

I was quick to push them for specific goals for the next year, while I gave myself leniency. Why?

It all comes back to the idea that I fell into the easy trap of mom life, as I have realized in other blogs I have posted, and I have forgotten that there are things that I could want just for myself. My wonderful husband has asked me over the years what I want to do to make me happy and I have continuously answered by saying “I am fine how things are” and “I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life”.

So here I am trying to decide if this motivation will be directed towards the normal mom life decision, meaning the to do list of things to do around the house or if it will be directed to what makes me as a person grow.

Decisions, decisions.

Decisions

There are days that go by that you get to just enjoy everything that goes on.

In comparison there are days that it seems like you are making choices that feel like they shouldn’t be yours to make.

As a parent there are times where you find out things about you children that takes your breath away.

Maybe its an anxiety diagnosis to a young child who has stopped sleeping and eatting like they had been. The realization that this will be a long term fight that your adorable little child will face. Hours of research on your behalf to find ways to handle the behavoirs and prevent anything from worsening, all while having medication pushed on you that you are just not sure if they are safe for your baby.

Maybe its your elementary aged child coming home talking about how they have been being bullied at school for the color of their hair or the glasses they have to wear. Obviously there is nothing off the table when it comes to bullying, so the reasons will always be different. It’s impossible to fully prepare them for how this will feel, and how to handle it. Their tears will rip you apart and make your soul growl with the urge to protect your baby cub.

Maybe it’s finding something in your teenagers bedroom that reminds you that no matter how close you think you are with them, they are still a teenager. The fears of the unknown comes on strong when you think of how the future will go as you stare at those cigarettes or drugs. Maybe its condoms, or money that they shouldnt have. One way or another it is something that serves as a smack in the face that could be the wake up call you needed to start helping you and your child figure out where to go from there.

Maybe its taking your adult children with you on a weeklong vacation to a relaxing place to reconnect, and they bring their girlfrind who cant handle her liquor that she insists on drinking everyday. The idea of listening to your child trying to keep them in check in front of the family or kids that are there. How do you discuss domestic decisions your child has made that you dont agree with? What do you do if your child has chosen someone that is horrible for them or for there children? At what point can you intervene or chose to stand back and see where they plant their feet?

Or maybe no matter what age you are when it happens, you find yourself burying you parent or parents. The devastation is the same whether you are 10 or 60 when this happens. Obviously there are more complications the younger you are, however the void in your heart is the same. How does ones heart handle the hole thats just been punched thru it? How do you make the decisions you need to make in the middle of those feelings?

I watch another side of this in the hospital I work for when the conversation of when to allow them to give up the fight happens quite often. As a worker bee in these situation my heart is not on the line, but watching others break during this process never gets easier.

How do you handle having a day that this type of decision looms over you?

I have seen everything from relief that the persons pain will finally be gone, to refusal to understand that the basics of the situation.

Old, young, sick, healthy, planned or sudden.

I’ve watched selfishness as people can’t face living their life without them, and I have seen selflessness when people realize that the other persons pain is more important then their feelings.

I’ve watched elderly family member peacefully check out after a full life, and I have seen a young child fight for every breath after a car accident, just to lose the battle.

I’ve seen everything from heart attacks to suicide, and the families that have to react and make decisions they never saw themselves making.

Those days, and heart-renching feelings, make the days that I dont have to make, or see, any decisions being made even better.

Sometimes you just need to breathe.

**All stories here are things that I myself have seen or dealt with this week. Respect your medical feild people that you find yourself dealing with. From the CNA that shows compassion, to the nurse that seems to be always running. From the person that answered your emergency call to the person that shows up with flashing lights. The social worker that helps the decisions being made to the secretary sitting behind the desk at the station of the hospital or nursing home. They see you and understand you better then you think. Yes they are busy, sometimes TOO busy. Most have your best interest at heart, even if they can’t take the moment to tell or show you because there is so much else on their plate.

Who is the real winner here?

So every day i feel like I wage a war on my children, and I am not sad to admit that they seem to win half the time. 

Don’t get me wrong, I win the important ones. I refuse to raise little assholes that do not understand manners and respect. 

I also refuse to dominate and bludgeon their poor souls until they are little robots that only follow commands. 

I enjoy the different personalities, the different strong suites each one of them have, and the ability to learn how to see things thru a childs eye. 

I think that they have taught me more then my overpriced education at the best of the best schools. I have to admit that I may be more willing to learn from these adorable critters then I was the stuffy teachers. 

However the ones that I lose in this war with them teach me the most. 

Sometimes I learn a lesson about my severe lack of patience. 

Other days it is my lack of empathy. 

Some thing else they have taught me is that if I give them the wrong colored cup, or wrong length spoon, that it could destroy our morning in a heartbeat. 

They have taught me to slow down and enjoy things more. The smaller things, like how your belly jumps when you slide down a good slide. Or the way your face just has to contort into a smile when you hit the highest you can go on a swing. 

They have taught me that to be the best mom I can be, I just need to spend time with them. So you have had a long hard day at work, and you just want to sit down and read your book right? Sit beside them. Let them read their own books, or watch their television shows while sitting beside you getting some cuddle time in. 

They are only little for a small time.

Yes it is important that they learn to spend time alone, and occupy their own self, but they also need you. They dont care how clean your kitchen is or what color your walls are. They are not worried about what the scale told you this morning and they are sure not worried about the state of your hair.

 They just want YOU. 

I was chosen to be a Suicide Survivor

November 18 is National Suicide Survivor Day.

I never even knew that. I walked in a Suicide Awareness walk recently and I spent the majority of the time being quite alarmed at how many people just in my area had been directly affected by the loss of a loved one or friend.

This is one of those events that unless you go through it, you can not really explain it well. Everybody says that about everything don’t they? It is true. It’s this strange out-of-body experience that is simply unexplainable.

I was 16. He was my first love. At 16 you are more innocent than you are ever willing to admit. You don’t have a grasp on how long life really can be. You have no ability to realize that things will change. You don’t realize that the pain goes away. You don’t realize how a change in scenery can make everything different.

A mother lost her firstborn. A father lost who he thought would be the leader of the pact. A grandmother lost her grandson. Siblings lost a brother. I lost a best friend. A boyfriend. My first love. And it changes us all. Rocked our world into being unrecognizable.

It has been 15 years and while it has changed, has been ignored and seemingly has been forgotten by everyone around me, I still remember. I still cry for the soul that was lost. I still miss who he could have been. I miss what my life could have been. I have spent more time imagining the what if’s then I was ever able to actually spend with him.

I have no idea who he would be today. I have no idea if our love would have survived. I have no idea if we even would have kept in touch.

I will never have the ability to know.

I have read thousands of people’s stories online. I have volunteered at suicide hotlines. I have answered phone calls at 2 in the morning and run out just to be the shoulder that someone needed at that moment. I have made it known to anybody  who has access to my social media that I am ALWAYS available when you think you are alone. My number is always there for you to call.

It isn’t enough I feel. I can’t bring him back.

And so here I was, standing in a crowd of people who all have their own stories. And I was moved to tears to see how COMMON this problem has become. How in the hell has this become SO NORMAL??

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States in 2017. 

Each year 44,193 AMERICANS die by suicide.

Suicide costs the United stated $51 Billion annually. 

Men die of suicide 3.5 times more than women. 

The average age of suicide victims? MIDDLE AGED WHITE MEN

Never Stop trying to help. Keep your eyes and hearts open. Mental illness is not a CHOICE. It should not be a stigma. It should not have to be hidden. It should not be something that they have to be ashamed of.

It starts and ends with your choices

When I was little, I would always notice that there seemed to be two types of people. 

The first type seemed to consist of people who were always too careful, too worried about other people’s opinions. They did what other people wanted, wore cloths to look like the peeple around them, and tried there best to “Just Fit In”. 

The second type tends to be more rambunctious. They are louder,  they laugh a lot and they seemed to flutter around and talk to everyone. 

Neither group seemed to be very deep into these conversations that they were having. Neither group seemed to really be listening to people, they kept it more superficial but I didn’t understand why. 

I never seemed to fit into those types of groups, and spent a long time thinking something was wrong with me because of that.

But I was wrong. 

For years I stayed around people I didn’t like, because I felt like it made me fit in better. I watched how much I voiced my opinions, because not everyone agreed with me and I am not always up for what feels like a violent debate on my opinion. People are asshole and they don’t like you to feel different then you, so they ram their opinions down your throat instead. 

For too long I worried about people’s feelings, when they blatantly did not care about mine. I stepped up to bat for them over and over again just to have them tear me to shreds when talking about me to others. I would even have the audacity to be HURT when words they said got back to me. 

For too many years I spoke negatively. I used my words to explain the wrongs around me, and not as much about the good things that were surrounding me. I can say that I did this because that’s seems to be the society norm (which it is) but that would be lying. I made a choice. 

It’s time for this all to change. You don’t get to have power over me society. I do. 

It’s time to make the choices that benefit my family and myself. I have neglected myself for far too long to be caught up in societies bullshit anymore. 

It is the little things that make the difference

Anyone alive can say that the big things that someone does for you can really make you smile. Those are the things that will always be immortalized in pictures, videos or memories.

However, it is the day to day things that make the bigger differences.

The smiles and laughs for sure. The catching the other one watching you feeling. The feeling that you get when you are trying to explain what your thinking, and they totally understand it.

The light and comfortable moods. It is also the handling of each other when they show up in a not so light mood, so that it doesn’t make it worse.

The fights that make it obvious the passion behind it, along with the makeup that hopefully is just as passionate.

Knowing that someone has chosen to think about how it will make your day a little better if they do it instead.  Could even be changing your routine up to actually make sure that your socks make it into the dirty cloths hamper so someone else does not have to go behind you and do it.

It’s knowing that you are appreciated, and saying thank you for the tasks that get taken for granted normally.

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The good outweighs the bad

Today was one of those days that make up for the bad days.

The family was able to keep the fighting to the bare minimum. The teenager gave in to the constant pressure and actually spent time with us. The phone only took over a few times, but that’s much better then constantly.

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The little ones were very agreeable to the various outdoor activities that we accomplished. They only complained and cried for no reason a few times. Piece of cake compared to what I am used to recently.

Don’t get me wrong, I have great kids. I truly love spending time with them and when my  husband can join in, it truly is amazing. Between bike rides, parks and baseball we absolutely kept busy.

You know what that meant?

LITTLE TO NO ELECTRONICS!! I didn’t have to pry them away  from these silly devices that we all are getting a little too addicted to. There is a time and place for everything of course, and I kept everyone a little calmer by giving everyone a hours time after lunch to play on something. I of course napped, because that’s what moms do right?

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This will be the one that makes me smile through the bad days that are bound to sneak up on us.