I found this recently on social media and I fell in love. So I choose to share it with anyone open to reading it.
When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy.
This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small.
My judgement called it disloyal.
Now I see it as self-loving.
The other day I was set to figure out what kind of mom decision that I wanted to make. I found myself quickly leaning to the decision to finish my “to do” list around my house. A few hours later I realized that I was actually quite agitated because no matter how detailed my lists became of the things that I was going to do to start knocking things off of the original list, I wasn’t feeling satisfied. (Yes, I have a list problem. I make lists ABOUT my lists. Then I lose them. Imagine that.)
My body and mind was making the decision for me instead. Almost as if I have subconsciously made the decision to stop screwing myself over.
I spent the next 8 hours typing away trying to finish my novel I am writing. I am so close, I can taste it. Now I am in a position to start looking into how to get my work looked at, edited and all the other fun stuff.
Good thing that Google and YouTube exist to help me figure out my next few steps!
I find myself having too deep of conversations with everyone recently. It is almost as if I can’t pull back and just regularly have day to day conversations. When I do it seems like it is just to fill the silence.
I am at this point where my kids are all just old enough to not need me constantly, but young enough to still need supervision.
This leads to me having time to think. Which, don’t get me wrong is a great change from the last few years. However it’s shown me how little I have been able to have deep conversations in the last ten years with having toddlers constantly around.
I was always so proud of my ability to not lose myself to motherhood completely. I honestly thought I had a handle on it. Now looking back, I was clearly wrong.
Over the years, my group of friend had kept me sane. The ability to meet them at the park and talk while our kids played helped all of us The meals we would cook just to have an excuse to get us all around each other. The conversations we had with our kids about how it didn’t matter if they like ‘so-and-so’ because Mommy was friends with their Mommy so they had to get over it.
Then one by one, those friendships fell apart. Some for valid reasons, some not so valid. Some are missed, some are not. All I know for sure is they ended.
So then you find yourself having to still get thru the day to day grind with kids. Work friends become closer friends, better friends then the ones you grew up with in most cases. If you are lucky they will have kids close in ge to yours as well.
But it doesn’t prepare you for how to handle this period in your life. I still have to go to work most days of course. There are still events you have to bring your children to and sports schedules to pull your hair out trying to follow as best as possible. There are family get togethers, and never ending bills stacking up on counter.
However I find myself having the time to honestly learn who I am.
Is there a way to wear a sign that warns people of the possibility of deeper conversations that could occur unintentionally?
You find the things that help you empty your plate.
You watch the clouds go by with hang out in a hammock.
You sit at the beach with only the waves and birds as music.
Go to your favorite spot, and figure out how to lighten your load.
Recently I have noticed that when you force people around you to notice the good things that people do, they resist.
You cant make them do it.
The only thing that you can do is surround yourself as best as you can with positive things. Cute little sayings on canvas that you can post around your house. Inspirational videos to watch instead of news coverage of the most recent atrocities in the areas near you. Find a way to remove the most negative people around you, in the most effective way possible. Sometimes thats as simple as to stop calling or messaging the person. Block them on social media instead of deleting them.
Find what makes you happy. Who cares what other people think. Who cares whoe doesnt understand your passions.
Does it make you happy?
Does it bring you peace?
Does it calm your nerves?
Then do it.
Have you ever wanted to go back and give yourself advice? I sure have.
If you could go back and give myself advice at different ages growing up, what would it be?
I would love to go back and tell an extremely self-conscious twelve-year-old that she was beautiful. To stand firm for what she believed and not to let bull-headed teenagers, including herself, get in her way. She had so many plans! She knew what she wanted to do when she was older, had found her first love in a boy who treated her pretty good and other than fighting with her parents every once in a while her life was going pretty smooth. I would teach her to believe in herself, and to realize that everyone has their own body type that they were born with. You just have to learn to love yourself a little more so you can accept and appreciate what you were given.
**You are Beautiful**
I would go back and tell a heartbroken 16-year-old girl who was learning first hand about losing some one she loved that the world will keep turning. Her world was rocked to its absolute core, but she will stand back up and put her pieces back together. I would tell her to be stronger than she had ever been. I would tell her that just because one boy could not wrap his head around staying around to live his life until it got better, that it was absolutely not a reflection of her. I would hold her tight and tell her that despite the miscarriage, despite the loss of the person she thought would be the love of her life, she will survive.
**You are stronger than you will ever realize**
I would go back and tell my 19-year-old self that being a single mom at 19 would not define me. This hiccup would turn out to be the best turning point of her life, and that jackass that chose to walk away from his son would never be able to emotionally or physically harm them again. I would try to steady her world a bit and help her get her footing settled back into the right direction if I could. However all the times I started in a direction and had to back pedal to try a different path just made me focus a little harder.
**Mistakes are the worlds way of teaching you humility**
I would go back and tell the 22-year-old woman that adoption didn’t have to mean goodbye. I would help her understand that sometimes the hardest choices are the safest. I would remind her that heartbreak is an old friend by now. And my advice that I would give her would be to give herself a break. Life happens in mysterious ways and it is ok to admit defeat and take some me time. You can’t be a great mom to the one you already have if you aren’t taking care of yourself.
**Forgiveness IS an option. You are only human.**
I would go back and tell my 25-year-old cynical self that good things can happen. It is easy to become calloused and bitter. Putting up walls to shield your heart is healthy, as long as you have a way to break it down safely. If your wall has become a way to hide from reality in such a way that you can no longer recognize good things when they come your way, you may need rethink some things. I would tell her to go on that date with the boy she worked with. Let her neighbor bring her flowers. Let that smile happen.
**You ARE worth it. Good things CAN happen to you.**
Inspiration is one of those tricky things these days.
What works one day is not guaranteed to work every other day.
A few years back I made it a point that I needed to laugh each and every day.
I know what you are going to say here.
Some days there is simply nothing to laugh at right? Those are the days that it is even more important to make sure that you do.
I have my own things that are guaranteed to make me laugh every time, but do you?
Is it as simple as looking through the videos on your phone to be able to see the silly things that have happened in your life? Could be something that your child or pet was doing, or maybe even a friend or colleague.
Maybe you are the type that needs to find videos on Youtube or something similar. My favorite are silly pet video’s. My teenage son has me convinced that America’s Funniest Videos is making a come back (technically I am not positive it ever went away, as much as I just got too busy to find it).
You need to keep your head up, with the outlook on life bright. It is really easy to fall down that rabbit hole and never find your way back out.
Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.
Somewhere along the line I think we all have forgotten that these hard, dark times in your life make you appreciate the simpler times.
Without the ugly, how to we know the beautiful?
They make you stronger.
They make you braver.
They give you a backbone.
Never feel ashamed of what made you fall down.
You just have to get back up.