Do the storms ever stop?
But neither do the rainbows.
Do the storms ever stop?
But neither do the rainbows.
I took my own challenge this last week and chose to dive back into true crime reading and documentaries the way I used to.
It does seem a little backwards to dive into such a heavy and negative subject matter when that is all that seems to be going on around us. Although sometimes when the skies open and show it’s beautiful mood, you let it whisk you away with it.
However, this is just thought provoking enough that I knew that it could occupy all of these little section of my mind that wanders away when bored to think about things it shouldn’t.
I needed this.
Dark crevices lead to strange rabbit holes of thought.
I haven’t been writing recently. There really is not a good reason, and yet there are millions of excuses. I don’t often talk about feelings very well unless I am writing. Anytime that I don’t want to stop and think about something heavy happening in my life, I stop writing.
I have always done that. Sometimes I can recognize it fast, other times it takes longer. I’m not super down or dealing with things that are too heavy. No need to send out the men with straight jackets to lock me away.
Things are just heavy enough to keep me quiet.
Politics, COVID, healthcare working, shutdowns, unemployment, homeschooling, choices about sending kids back to school this year, to mask or not to mask… which promptly circles itself directly back to politics.
All things that I am not willing to talk about with people, keyboard or reality. Why do people have to be so mean? So petty when speaking to other human beings? Why is it so hard to accept that everyone has their own opinions? They don’t have to match yours. They SHOULDN’T match yours. They don’t live the same life as you. They haven’t seen the things that you have, not have they learned all of the things that you have. They have seen and learned their own. We can accept that as a difference and use the literal words ‘Embrace your differences’.
However when that becomes put to the test, the claws come out.
I have never seen so much ignorance as 2020 has brought to our lives.
There is no escaping it.
You can’t log onto anything on the internet without seeing it.
You can’t go to the grocery store without being accosted or glared at for whichever side of the mask debate you land on.
You can’t watch television, or speak to half of your friends or family without it coming up.
I understand that they all have purpose, and a good reason for debate. I absolutely see the point.
But DAMNIT this all is heavy.
I watch my children as they go through things that I absolutely remember going through myself and can’t help but feel proud.
I have worked to keep open communication with them all, while firmly keeping the mother child roles in place. I will find out so much later that I missed or messed up on because that is the way that this job works.
However for today I will sit back and allow myself to be proud of them for the choices they make. I will also chose to be proud of the way my husband and I have raised them so far. I look forward to more of these feelings to help counteract the days I feel the polar opposite.
Forgiveness mode has been in affect for me this last few weeks. This is something that I come in and out of every few months so this time I chose to force myself to stay out to deal with itm instead of running to hide the way I normally do when it gets too deep.
The best thing is that there is always new things to forgive yourself for! Especially when you’re a hot mess like me. Forever throwing new things into that basket of things to work through.
My current favorite thing to do on this journey is actually a well used method that I brought back. The good old trusty empty notebook that I sit down with. After searching my whole house for actual writing utensil that aren’t for my children’s homework, I find the most comfortable spot in the house. I turn on some back ground music that won’t distract me.
And then I sit there. Drawing a damn blank. Every time.
However after a forced start that lasts the whole front of the first handwritten page I tend to unleash. I find myself finding out which way is the best to let whatever feelings out.
Sometimes it is written as if I am speaking, or yelling, at the person that is affecting me the most.
Sometimes I am berating myself for the dumb move that I made at some point.
For a long time it was written to the people that died. Whether they died because of natural causes or suicide. Whether I was yelling at them for leaving me, or I was telling them the newest thing that I feel they missed out on.
I write until I honestly feel like I have nothing more to say about it for the day. I make sure that I am honest and frank. I say the things I can’t say out loud. Don’t hold back. Write as if no one will ever have the chance to read it.
And then I rip it out of the notebook, walk outside and burn it. Safely of course. All in the name of safety.
But burn that shit. To the ground. Let it turn into ashes that the wind will send flying through the air.
Imagine those feelings flying away are little chips off the block that is building up and getting in your way.
Have you ever felt as if the people around you sometimes throw you to wolves?
It has been a long long time since I was made to feel like that. Especially by people that I hold so dear.
The worst part is that no one seems to feel like they could have prevented the weird set of circumstances that transpired. It was as if it was a perfect storm had all clash together in a brilliant strike that happened to have me dead smack in the middle of it.
It’s hard to even figure out who to be upset with. All I know is that when it happened I suddenly felt so small and insignificant. I was quickly reminded me of what it felt like to be a child between fighting parents who were caught up with their emotions.
Thirty five going on five apparently.
Learning the healthy normal in my relationship is going to be the new challenge in my life. We have forgotten how to function as a couple with all this running around parenting and working.
Recently he has had to switch a different shift that works him an opposite shift as mine. As much as space is something that our relationship thrives from, this may be a little too much space.
So I am looking around at different things that can help us re-center our focus. While I am mainly focused on getting us fun positive time together as a couple, I also would love to strengthen our communication.
Yup, I said it.
That magic “C” word that always gets thrown around in a relationship. Everyone can stand to do a little work in that department, at any point of the relationship. However when we are as strained as we are, I think that it is important.
Check back soon to see if I can get him on board as well. 🙂
It’s okay to miss them
It’s okay to say their name
It’s okay to cry
It’s okay to breathe deeply
It’s okay to smile when you think of them
It’s okay to function
Its okay to have days where you cant function
It’s okay to be angry
It’s okay to be thankful
It’s okay to love again
It’s okay to remember
It’s okay to hope
It’s okay to be honest
It’s okay to trust again
Scribbles & Crumbs
19 years of surviving without him.