Who’s permission do you need?

Have you ever found yourself attracted to the option that wasn’t very popular with the people that surround you?

I seem to always be the odd man out in the things that I like compared to other people around me. From the type of music to the style of cloths and more.

I used to find this embarrassing because I couldn’t even fake it good enough to get away with it. I was always called out on it in some way.

As an adult I look back and appreciate my differences.

I am a unique person and should never have wanted to be out into a pre-formed box.

I spend my every day telling myself to stay out of that box and I hope to teach all my children to do the same.

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Decisions were made

The other day I was set to figure out what kind of mom decision that I wanted to make. I found myself quickly leaning to the decision to finish my “to do” list around my house. A few hours later I realized that I was actually quite agitated because no matter how detailed my lists became of the things that I was going to do to start knocking things off of the original list, I wasn’t feeling satisfied.  (Yes, I have a list problem. I make lists ABOUT my lists. Then I lose them. Imagine that.)

My body and mind was making the decision for me instead. Almost as if I have subconsciously made the decision to stop screwing myself over.

I spent the next 8 hours typing away trying to finish my novel I am writing. I am so close, I can taste it. Now I am in a position to start looking into how to get my work looked at, edited and all the other fun stuff.

Good thing that Google and YouTube exist to help me figure out my next few steps!

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Should I come with a warning?

I find myself having too deep of conversations with everyone recently. It is almost as if I can’t pull back and just regularly have day to day conversations. When I do it seems like it is just to fill the silence.

I am at this point where my kids are all just old enough to not need me constantly, but young enough to still need supervision.

This leads to me having time to think. Which, don’t get me wrong is a great change from the last few years. However it’s shown me how little I have been able to have deep conversations in the last ten years with having toddlers constantly around.

I was always so proud of my ability to not lose myself to motherhood completely. I honestly thought I had a handle on it. Now looking back, I was clearly wrong.

Over the years, my group of friend had kept me sane. The ability to meet them at the park and talk while our kids played helped all of us The meals we would cook just to have an excuse to get us all around each other. The conversations we had with our kids about how it didn’t matter if they like ‘so-and-so’ because Mommy was friends with their Mommy so they had to get over it.

Then one by one, those friendships fell apart. Some for valid reasons, some not so valid. Some are missed, some are not. All I know for sure is they ended.

So then you find yourself having to still get thru the day to day grind with kids. Work friends become closer friends, better friends then the ones you grew up with in most cases. If you are lucky they will have kids close in ge to yours as well.

But it doesn’t prepare you for how to handle this period in your life. I still have to go to work most days of course. There are still events you have to bring your children to and sports schedules to pull your hair out trying to follow as best as possible. There are family get togethers, and never ending bills stacking up on counter.

However I find myself having the time to honestly learn who I am.

Is there a way to wear a sign that warns people of the possibility of deeper conversations that could occur unintentionally?

Who taught us not to?

“It’s easy to have FAITH everything is going to work out, when everything is working out. It’s much harder to have faith when you are facing challenges in your life. But that is exactly when you need to apply your faith.”

This is the beginning of a speech I heard recently call It will not be easy – But it will be worth it.

I felt this on so many levels. I grew up in a very religious family so on first reading of course I relate this to a religious theme. However the more that I got thinking about it the more I realized that it can be applied to ANYTHING.

We all see the obstacles in front of us as boulders, and those behind us as anthills.

When we are trudging thru our daily life do you beleive in yourself to be able to do things right the first time?

Do you put your faith in the idea that things will work out and you will get thru it, even if it looks daunting?

If not are you the type of person that doubts yourself and never beleives that things will work out in your favor?

The bigger question I face daily is why is it so easy to doubt yourself? What has made us get to the point where we doubt our abilities before choosing to beleive in ourself?

Have faith in your own self.

Beleive in yourself.

Love yourself.

When the world seems heavy

You find the things that help you empty your plate.

You watch the clouds go by with hang out in a hammock.

You sit at the beach with only the waves and birds as music.

Go to your favorite spot, and figure out how to lighten your load.

❤❤

The Place in my dreams

There are times in your life that you find yourself standing somewhere that you just know you have seen before.

I have had those before, and most the time the place looks like these pictures.

I am drawn to water. Whether it is in my dreams, or in real life I feel the pull.

Are you aware?

Have you ever really sat and tried to pay attention to how you affect the people around you? The people close to you but also your old friends and relationships.

Recently I watched a weird video on Facebook that they put old friends, or old lovers in a room together and had then ask each other a series of questions. Some of them were simple questions about when they were closer, how did they interpret or appreciate certain behaviors. Or now that they are so far removed, can you discuss a problem that occurred between the two of you that caused the end of communications.

It made me start to think about whether people who I have severed ties with, their choice or mine, know what kind of memories or hurts I came away with.  Then I realized that was a selfish way to look at it. Did I really feel like I had a grasp on how they felt and what memories that they walked away with?

I don’t.

I never spend the time to care what they walk away thinking or feeling because I am too worried about my own. Which I am led to believe is normal.  I am fairly positive that the majority of them do not spend much time thinking about my feelings.

Matter of fact, I am fairly positive most of them spend the majority of time assuming how I feel without every actually asking me how something has affected me. When did that become the norm?

So here I start thinking about if I have ever left a positive emotion to people who I no longer spend time with. I have always tried to be pleasant with strangers and acquaintances that I touch base with from time to time, so I am not as worried about them right now. I fully believe in the act of kindness to a stranger or person in need. That is what drew me to work in the medical field.

For a person to be an ex lover or an ex friend, that means that at one time they had to be my friend/lover. To be considered that close to me, that means that I liked you enough to allow you that close. I cared enough about you to allow you inside my boundaries. At some point, I loved you.

Sooner or later, in most situations the betrayal that happened in our past will fade, the emotions will diffuse. Sooner or later, the hurt is not fresh. The feelings don’t cut as deep. The wound isn’t open anymore.  And at that point you get to make a choice. Do you decide to move past the feelings and be able to shut the door to the person? Or will you keep that emotion close to your sleeve and react every time you see them or have to talk about them. We all know that it is healthier to forgive and forget, but it sure isn’t easy.

It is much harder to face the realty of what kind of memory they have of you. They got to see you at your worst. When you were hurt, yelling, crying or maybe even just at your wit’s end. Maybe they got to see your jealous side as things got weird.

They saw your mistakes. You saw theirs.

While the friendships or relationships are irreconcilable, you should still take a moment to think about the effect you had on them.

Were you the one that scarred them to hell and back? Did you cause them real emotional damage? Are you the person that they talk about when they describe the horror’s of their life?

The next time that you are complaining about the things that they did to you, the ways they made you feel, can you honestly explain your side of things out loud to another set of ears and not be embarrassed?

Now  of course you should never live your life always apologizing for the things that you have done, and everyone knows that mistakes happen. Everyone has reasons to do the things that they have done. I am not asking you to reconcile with any person in your life, nor do I think that you have to forgive them or look around the wrong doings that they have done to you. I also don’t mean that you have to change yourself in any way because of a jerk who may have a low opinion of you. This is strictly about knowing that you have the ability to effect people, good or bad.

Defend yourself. Respect yourself. Honor yourself. Understand yourself.

Most of all, be yourself.

 

Who is the real winner here?

So every day i feel like I wage a war on my children, and I am not sad to admit that they seem to win half the time. 

Don’t get me wrong, I win the important ones. I refuse to raise little assholes that do not understand manners and respect. 

I also refuse to dominate and bludgeon their poor souls until they are little robots that only follow commands. 

I enjoy the different personalities, the different strong suites each one of them have, and the ability to learn how to see things thru a childs eye. 

I think that they have taught me more then my overpriced education at the best of the best schools. I have to admit that I may be more willing to learn from these adorable critters then I was the stuffy teachers. 

However the ones that I lose in this war with them teach me the most. 

Sometimes I learn a lesson about my severe lack of patience. 

Other days it is my lack of empathy. 

Some thing else they have taught me is that if I give them the wrong colored cup, or wrong length spoon, that it could destroy our morning in a heartbeat. 

They have taught me to slow down and enjoy things more. The smaller things, like how your belly jumps when you slide down a good slide. Or the way your face just has to contort into a smile when you hit the highest you can go on a swing. 

They have taught me that to be the best mom I can be, I just need to spend time with them. So you have had a long hard day at work, and you just want to sit down and read your book right? Sit beside them. Let them read their own books, or watch their television shows while sitting beside you getting some cuddle time in. 

They are only little for a small time.

Yes it is important that they learn to spend time alone, and occupy their own self, but they also need you. They dont care how clean your kitchen is or what color your walls are. They are not worried about what the scale told you this morning and they are sure not worried about the state of your hair.

 They just want YOU.