Just to get this off my chest

Ok guys I have a dirty little secret to share with everyone.

Sometimes I sit and watch travel destination videos on Youtube instead of being productive. I know that everyone does things like this, whether it is to read books or binge watch television shows.

The difference to me is that I spend a good amount of time chasing my kids away from Youtube because they see no problem with sitting for hours upon hours, and days upon days just watching video’s.

So I can’t let my secret get out to them of course. This makes you guys my captive audience!

Now you know.

When the words take away your air

So there is a tv show that I keep seeing on television that has caught my attention. I first saw the preview as I was sitting with my husband watching a tv show. It hit me like a ton of bricks, where he was able to sit and not even notice that my world had tilted on its axis.

The first few lines in this preview was a man saying something like “You’re not going to believe this, but John (or Jeff or whatever his name is) committed suicide”. I have seen this preview multiple times but I am not able to remember any of the rest of the preview. Each time I see it I get stuck on this sentence that starts the commercial off. I imagine that this man is talking to a buddy, and this is the normal way that they talk to each other so the offhand delivery itself doesn’t catch my attention.

What catches my attention is the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life being affected by lines like these. Its been over a decade since I had to hear those words said in a much softer way to me. A decade since the whispers would stop as I walked into the room, or down the hall, just to have them start again after I passed by. A decade since I had to try to find new pieces to start rebuilding myself since he didn’t think about how it would be affecting anyone else.

Who am I kidding it has almost been TWO decades.

So that’s where this kicker just seems to keep kicking.

18 years later, a whole different life later, and yet it still has the ability to kind the wind out of my lungs better than almost else.

❤

Warped perspective

Life is all about perspective isn’t it.

It’s changing how you see something. It’s changing how you let it affect you. It’s changing your surroundings when you need to.

It’s finding ways to convince yourself to start something new.

It’s finding a way to convince yourself to try harder.

To continue.

To convince yourself to finish strong.

To focus on the end result that you are trying for.

Perception has a way of making you realize that what you have been doing is not enough.  It could be that you look at a picture someone took of you and you suddenly see what other people see when they look at you. Maybe it is that you suddenly realize that you spent too many years making excuses to not go back to school. Maybe you feel like you are giving your coach one hundred percent of your effort, but are still failing to meet expectations.  Maybe its as simple as the fact that you read a magazine article on something that your had never really thought too much of, but it changes something that you do.

Don’t hold back.

Who’s permission do you need?

Have you ever found yourself attracted to the option that wasn’t very popular with the people that surround you?

I seem to always be the odd man out in the things that I like compared to other people around me. From the type of music to the style of cloths and more.

I used to find this embarrassing because I couldn’t even fake it good enough to get away with it. I was always called out on it in some way.

As an adult I look back and appreciate my differences.

I am a unique person and should never have wanted to be out into a pre-formed box.

I spend my every day telling myself to stay out of that box and I hope to teach all my children to do the same.

Are you aware?

Have you ever really sat and tried to pay attention to how you affect the people around you? The people close to you but also your old friends and relationships.

Recently I watched a weird video on Facebook that they put old friends, or old lovers in a room together and had then ask each other a series of questions. Some of them were simple questions about when they were closer, how did they interpret or appreciate certain behaviors. Or now that they are so far removed, can you discuss a problem that occurred between the two of you that caused the end of communications.

It made me start to think about whether people who I have severed ties with, their choice or mine, know what kind of memories or hurts I came away with.  Then I realized that was a selfish way to look at it. Did I really feel like I had a grasp on how they felt and what memories that they walked away with?

I don’t.

I never spend the time to care what they walk away thinking or feeling because I am too worried about my own. Which I am led to believe is normal.  I am fairly positive that the majority of them do not spend much time thinking about my feelings.

Matter of fact, I am fairly positive most of them spend the majority of time assuming how I feel without every actually asking me how something has affected me. When did that become the norm?

So here I start thinking about if I have ever left a positive emotion to people who I no longer spend time with. I have always tried to be pleasant with strangers and acquaintances that I touch base with from time to time, so I am not as worried about them right now. I fully believe in the act of kindness to a stranger or person in need. That is what drew me to work in the medical field.

For a person to be an ex lover or an ex friend, that means that at one time they had to be my friend/lover. To be considered that close to me, that means that I liked you enough to allow you that close. I cared enough about you to allow you inside my boundaries. At some point, I loved you.

Sooner or later, in most situations the betrayal that happened in our past will fade, the emotions will diffuse. Sooner or later, the hurt is not fresh. The feelings don’t cut as deep. The wound isn’t open anymore.  And at that point you get to make a choice. Do you decide to move past the feelings and be able to shut the door to the person? Or will you keep that emotion close to your sleeve and react every time you see them or have to talk about them. We all know that it is healthier to forgive and forget, but it sure isn’t easy.

It is much harder to face the realty of what kind of memory they have of you. They got to see you at your worst. When you were hurt, yelling, crying or maybe even just at your wit’s end. Maybe they got to see your jealous side as things got weird.

They saw your mistakes. You saw theirs.

While the friendships or relationships are irreconcilable, you should still take a moment to think about the effect you had on them.

Were you the one that scarred them to hell and back? Did you cause them real emotional damage? Are you the person that they talk about when they describe the horror’s of their life?

The next time that you are complaining about the things that they did to you, the ways they made you feel, can you honestly explain your side of things out loud to another set of ears and not be embarrassed?

Now  of course you should never live your life always apologizing for the things that you have done, and everyone knows that mistakes happen. Everyone has reasons to do the things that they have done. I am not asking you to reconcile with any person in your life, nor do I think that you have to forgive them or look around the wrong doings that they have done to you. I also don’t mean that you have to change yourself in any way because of a jerk who may have a low opinion of you. This is strictly about knowing that you have the ability to effect people, good or bad.

Defend yourself. Respect yourself. Honor yourself. Understand yourself.

Most of all, be yourself.

 

You can’t make them

Recently I have noticed that when you force people around you to notice the good things that people do, they resist. 

You cant make them do it. 

The only thing that you can do is surround yourself as best as you can with positive things. Cute little sayings on canvas that you can post around your house. Inspirational videos to watch instead of news coverage of the most recent atrocities in the areas near you. Find a way to remove the most negative people around you, in the most effective way possible. Sometimes thats as simple as to stop calling or messaging the person. Block them on social media instead of deleting them. 

Find what makes you happy. Who cares what other people think. Who cares whoe doesnt understand your passions.

 Does it make you happy? 

Does it bring you peace? 

Does it calm your nerves? 

Then do it. 

Today it won

Today was one of those days that started out great. Everything seemed to fall into place. Kids got themselves ready without me having to chase them down at all, everyone remembered everything they needed without anybody having to run like crazy back into the house to search like a maniac for one lost thing or another. I was able to quickly drive out to my walking spot and get in three miles before the heat tried its best to suffocate me.

I got back to my car and once I got in my mind started racing with all of the things that I needed to do during the day. I tried to map out the route between the different stores and plan my time line to make sure that I was able to get everything I needed done before the kids came home.

And then it happened.

For no reason whatsoever, Anxiety decided to join the party. The what if’s started creeping into my plans and I never took the lead after that.

What if I could find better shoes online? Didn’t I need to read as many reviews as possible, and search through all of the different sales and coupon codes first?

What if I bought my teenage son the sweater that I had seen online last night and he hated it. This is a boy who would never say to my face that he doesn’t like something, he will just out it into his closet with a fake smile and it wont surface again until I attempt to clean out his closet again. What a waste of money this could be.

On the other hand, what if I walk into that second-hand shop that I have had my eye on and I end up buying a bunch of things, thinking that they are all great deals, but I get it all home and no one else likes the things that I picked out?

What if my poor dog who seemingly got his anxiety straight from me, was at home eating things like the cereal box that was set next to the trash can instead of broke down and put into the actual recycling bin. He likes to do that.

I went to none of these places. I went home.

I found my favorite TV show and I binge watched it while I drug my computer out to be able to at least act like I was doing some work.

Stupid anxiety.

Going for a little stroll

Learning when to shut my mouth has always been a hardship. 

In primary school I was frequently talked to about not talking so much and keeping the sound level of my voice lower. As I aged into high school it became more about the type of things that I was saying instead. 

I am an outspoken person, who has no filter. There is a problem with my ability to understand that just because it ran thru my head, it does not mean it needs to be spoken out loud. 

When you just don’t want to

Did you know that it’s ok to just say no to things? 

You don’t have to always make up excuses. You don’t have to blame other people and say they cause you to miss something. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend, or the lady at work who throws too many parties. 

You can just say no. 

They can push, and not understand. Thats ok. They can even get mad. You can take the time and do the right thing and explain to them that these things just aren’t for you. You can explain that you don’t do crowds, you have anxiety, or you just needed some “me time”. They don’t normally care, but you can feel free to try it. 

But you don’t have to go to everything. 

Friends Family and Coworkers should all understand that you are your own person, with your own things that make you uncomfortable. You don’t have to miss everything. But sometimes it’s ok. 

Turn the switch off

Today I wish I could make my life slow down. There is just way to many things that I want to do, and way too little time to enjoy it .

What’s worse is that lately I find myself not being to relax to fullest, or even enjoy things the way I should. 

Is this normal? Am I that strange person that can never find my inner peace? 

That doesn’t seem right tho. I used to be able to, and I don’t feel like it is that far off. It’s more like I have to find the switch and turn it back off. I’m not sure when I flipped it, or why I would of thought it would have been a good idea, but it happened. 

So how do I do that?