Heavy

I haven’t been writing recently. There really is not a good reason, and yet there are millions of excuses. I don’t often talk about feelings very well unless I am writing. Anytime that I don’t want to stop and think about something heavy happening in my life, I stop writing.

I have always done that. Sometimes I can recognize it fast, other times it takes longer. I’m not super down or dealing with things that are too heavy. No need to send out the men with straight jackets to lock me away.

Things are just heavy enough to keep me quiet.

Politics, COVID, healthcare working, shutdowns, unemployment, homeschooling, choices about sending kids back to school this year, to mask or not to mask… which promptly circles itself directly back to politics.

All things that I am not willing to talk about with people, keyboard or reality. Why do people have to be so mean? So petty when speaking to other human beings? Why is it so hard to accept that everyone has their own opinions? They don’t have to match yours. They SHOULDN’T match yours. They don’t live the same life as you. They haven’t seen the things that you have, not have they learned all of the things that you have. They have seen and learned their own. We can accept that as a difference and use the literal words ‘Embrace your differences’.

However when that becomes put to the test, the claws come out.

I have never seen so much ignorance as 2020 has brought to our lives.

There is no escaping it.

You can’t log onto anything on the internet without seeing it.

You can’t go to the grocery store without being accosted or glared at for whichever side of the mask debate you land on.

You can’t watch television, or speak to half of your friends or family without it coming up.

I understand that they all have purpose, and a good reason for debate. I absolutely see the point.

But DAMNIT this all is heavy.

Never meant for that to happen

Have you ever felt as if the people around you sometimes throw you to wolves?

It has been a long long time since I was made to feel like that. Especially by people that I hold so dear.

The worst part is that no one seems to feel like they could have prevented the weird set of circumstances that transpired. It was as if it was a perfect storm had all clash together in a brilliant strike that happened to have me dead smack in the middle of it.

It’s hard to even figure out who to be upset with. All I know is that when it happened I suddenly felt so small and insignificant. I was quickly reminded me of what it felt like to be a child between fighting parents who were caught up with their emotions.

Thirty five going on five apparently.

The unanswerable question

So I am not sure when they decided that September was suicide awareness month, but I am having a rough time with it. I am absolutely all for the surge of awareness for prevention, don’t get me wrong.

On a selfish note, the timing sucks.

The beginning of October will mark nineteen years since my life was forever changed. This is one of those weird situations where I feel selfish talking about how it affected me instead of how the family members were affected. I see his mothers posts on social media and it tears my heart apart to imagine what she is going through. As a mother, I fight trying to imagine the life that she has been  forced to live. As much as I love the woman, she makes me think of him too much and I have never been able to handle that. That makes me feel like such a bad human. She has done nothing but been amazing to me, but I get the feeling that I remind her of him as well. How do I fix that?

The boy that I knew deserved more then the life he lived to be cut short. I want to know the battles he faced. I want to go back and be able to talk to him more, have deeper questions and conversations, with a better understanding of mental health. He didn’t deserve to fight that alone. He didn’t deserve to feel like the world would ever be a better place if he weren’t in it. I think that’s what breaks me the most. The idea that this boy I loved, this boy that I considered my best friend, this boy that I was planning my life to revolve around, thought that we would all be better without him.

I know I was super young, and naïve. I know that there was lots of kids in the family so it is hard to get super invested in each kid the way you could if its an only child. I am also aware that teenagers do everything possible to not let parents in. He slipped through the cracks of a otherwise perfect family. Seriously this was the family that I was always jealous of. All the brothers and sisters, the always present parents and grandparents. Don’t get me wrong my family is amazing, but there wasn’t a lot of us and that family seemed like the big happy family that I always thought I wanted.

So how did he get away with committing suicide?

That question never gets easier.

There is never any answers either.

Not to be dramatic

I recently had a close friend of mine leave our workplace. We planned for multiple get togethers and we just knew that we would text each other just as much as we had been.

The first week goes by and we spoke every dang day. Then as the weeks went on it sure became faurther apart that we sent each other cute memes or updates.

It is now a few months since she left and we barely speak.

Adult friendships are hard.

Life’s little tests

Life was brought to a screeching halt here in my world recently as a close family member landed themselves in the hospital. This of course is never a planned thing, so the shock of it sent me for a loop. I wanted to be able to keep my head on straight, to be able to be the rock for my family to lean on since I have some medical experiences.

I work hard to keep my emotions on an even keel these last few years after realizing that I was having a hard time controlling my temper at times. I had gotten so good at this that I was recently wondering if I had turned myself into too cold of a person. Instead of finding a middle ground, I was feeling like I tipped the scales completely. I know that everyone faces different control issues, however I take pride in catching onto my problem area’s so that I can work to make myself a better version of me. I am never prouder of people around me that can notice something that they don’t like about themselves and set to work of improving it to something that they can be proud of instead.

This was the first time in quite some time that I found myself unable to hold it together until I was in a “safe space.” As a matter of fact this time I completely fell apart while at work, caught by a few different co-workers. I am not sure about anyone else, but I get really embarrassed when people see me cry.  I always have. I was never a person to cry growing up. I would get mad, but not cry.

I used to be able to sit in the car and listen to music to force myself to work through my emotions. A few kids ago I would be able to sit and talk with friends alot more and there is nothing better than talk therapy with friends. However over the years with kids, I have gotten busier as have they. The time to sit and hang out has dwindled down tremendously. I need to work on that part.

The situation with my family member started simple, got extremely scary but has luckily taken a turn for the better. I thank my lucky stars for that fact, but it sure has shown me that I still have weaknesses just like every other person.

        As long as I am not crying in front of coworkers, I guess I am ok with that.

 

 

 

 

Which side wins?

The walls are closing in for no reason again. The couch keeps calling my name. The fight to go outside seems to getting harder and harder. I cancel appointments, avoid social outings, and generically find ways to be home, alone.

There isnt a reason. There isnt even an explanation. It just seems to keep happening.

I keep saying I need someone to show up at my door and force me to get back into life, but really I just need me to force myself to do it all.

No one else put me here, so why would I need them to pull me out?

I need to be my own warrior.

All work and no play

Sometimes as I walk around this city of mine I find myself getting lost in everybody elses hustle and bustle.

Dont get me wrong I have a full plate as well, but not compared to some of these folks.

There are people who are so wrapped up in whatever there current assignment is that they dont even take a moment to look around them.

They stare into space like they are mentally still at work. They stay on their phones, or tablets the entire time. They mumble quiet apologies when they bump into someone, but otherwise they are zombies.

Some are on there phones and its refreshing to find one actually chit chatting with a friend instead of yet another work call.

It’s as if there is no such thing as clocking out anymore.

Since when did we have to be a society that forgot how to play?

Closing old doors

I recently had an old friend send me a message telling me that he is very aware of the pain he caused in my life. The constant drama, the pain of lose of friendship by a person I called my best friend for many years.

And I find myself at a loss.

I have forgiven him before after a different seperation of friendship, just to have him do the same thing again.

I know better then to fall for this again.

I felt nothing however and I thought I would.

I felt no relief, no concern, no worry about how he has been.

Have I grown that much that I have figured out how to shut the door permanently on people who have shown constant negativity?

Just to get this off my chest

Ok guys I have a dirty little secret to share with everyone.

Sometimes I sit and watch travel destination videos on Youtube instead of being productive. I know that everyone does things like this, whether it is to read books or binge watch television shows.

The difference to me is that I spend a good amount of time chasing my kids away from Youtube because they see no problem with sitting for hours upon hours, and days upon days just watching video’s.

So I can’t let my secret get out to them of course. This makes you guys my captive audience!

Now you know.

When the words take away your air

So there is a tv show that I keep seeing on television that has caught my attention. I first saw the preview as I was sitting with my husband watching a tv show. It hit me like a ton of bricks, where he was able to sit and not even notice that my world had tilted on its axis.

The first few lines in this preview was a man saying something like “You’re not going to believe this, but John (or Jeff or whatever his name is) committed suicide”. I have seen this preview multiple times but I am not able to remember any of the rest of the preview. Each time I see it I get stuck on this sentence that starts the commercial off. I imagine that this man is talking to a buddy, and this is the normal way that they talk to each other so the offhand delivery itself doesn’t catch my attention.

What catches my attention is the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life being affected by lines like these. Its been over a decade since I had to hear those words said in a much softer way to me. A decade since the whispers would stop as I walked into the room, or down the hall, just to have them start again after I passed by. A decade since I had to try to find new pieces to start rebuilding myself since he didn’t think about how it would be affecting anyone else.

Who am I kidding it has almost been TWO decades.

So that’s where this kicker just seems to keep kicking.

18 years later, a whole different life later, and yet it still has the ability to kind the wind out of my lungs better than almost else.