Choose you thoughts carefully

I have an inner fight every single day to keep my thoughts positive, my feelings neutral and my anger cool. This is not an easy task for me, seeing as I am a reactor. I react to EVERYTHING.  One of the best lessons I was taught growing up came from a teacher I had all the way back in 2nd grade. 

“You may not be able to choose the things that happen to and around you, but you choose everything else. From your reaction, to what you focus on every minute of your day.” 

Treat yourself

You can not love another until you love yourself. 

How many people would you list first if I asked the people you love the most? 

Can you name 5 things you like about yourself? 

Forgive yourself, love yourself, treat yourself right. That teaches you partner to treat you as well. That teaches your kids to treat themselves right and to treat others right. 

It starts and ends with your choices

When I was little, I would always notice that there seemed to be two types of people. 

The first type seemed to consist of people who were always too careful, too worried about other people’s opinions. They did what other people wanted, wore cloths to look like the peeple around them, and tried there best to “Just Fit In”. 

The second type tends to be more rambunctious. They are louder,  they laugh a lot and they seemed to flutter around and talk to everyone. 

Neither group seemed to be very deep into these conversations that they were having. Neither group seemed to really be listening to people, they kept it more superficial but I didn’t understand why. 

I never seemed to fit into those types of groups, and spent a long time thinking something was wrong with me because of that.

But I was wrong. 

For years I stayed around people I didn’t like, because I felt like it made me fit in better. I watched how much I voiced my opinions, because not everyone agreed with me and I am not always up for what feels like a violent debate on my opinion. People are asshole and they don’t like you to feel different then you, so they ram their opinions down your throat instead. 

For too long I worried about people’s feelings, when they blatantly did not care about mine. I stepped up to bat for them over and over again just to have them tear me to shreds when talking about me to others. I would even have the audacity to be HURT when words they said got back to me. 

For too many years I spoke negatively. I used my words to explain the wrongs around me, and not as much about the good things that were surrounding me. I can say that I did this because that’s seems to be the society norm (which it is) but that would be lying. I made a choice. 

It’s time for this all to change. You don’t get to have power over me society. I do. 

It’s time to make the choices that benefit my family and myself. I have neglected myself for far too long to be caught up in societies bullshit anymore. 

Turn the switch off

Today I wish I could make my life slow down. There is just way to many things that I want to do, and way too little time to enjoy it .

What’s worse is that lately I find myself not being to relax to fullest, or even enjoy things the way I should. 

Is this normal? Am I that strange person that can never find my inner peace? 

That doesn’t seem right tho. I used to be able to, and I don’t feel like it is that far off. It’s more like I have to find the switch and turn it back off. I’m not sure when I flipped it, or why I would of thought it would have been a good idea, but it happened. 

So how do I do that? 

The 3 person relationship

Have you ever noticed that it is always easier to give advice when it is a situation that you are not involved with?

It is easy to see EXACTLY what the problem is with your friends relationship, and you just can not understand why they stay and put up with it right?

So you set to making sure that they understand that you have the solution to their whole relationship, and it is just that your friend has to leave. There is no way that they deserve all of these bad things that you have heard about happening in their life. The other person in this situation clearly is always wrong, and can never do anything right so what in the world are they doing staying in this relationship?

You act like what you are doing is all in good nature, just to try to help them because you know they deserve better. You bite your tongue and then just make sideways comments about how that is just not normal. You listen to them while they are upset, pick them up when they are hurt and you go and pick them up when “they just need to get out.”

So you must know everything that goes on in that relationship right?

Because everyone goes out and bitches to their friends when they did something wrong to someone else right? They openly and easily confess to having the wrong tone of voice, or over reacting to something said to them. Obviously they will tell you when they hurt the other ones feeling by the choices they made right? Or when they forgot (AGAIN) to do something for the other one, that they have been asking for weeks. Everyone downplays the situation when they are the one that has done something wrong.

Amazingly, you are completely forgiving for any of the wrong doing your friend has done, if they have told you.

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DISCLAIMER: If you know that your friend is being physically abused, please step in and do anything to help. I do understand that sometimes, people have incredibly low self-esteem and stay in a bad relationship because they feel that they deserve it. I completely understand and stand behind the idea of making sure that your friend understands their self worth. What I don’t understand is when you continuously bad mouth your friends relationship, because you yourself do not understand how relationships work. You understand one side, not both.  It take’s both sides to make relationship work.

 

Forgiven, but not forgotten

Relationships are hard.

Every one tells you this and it is so easy to nod you head and act like you understand because you have had relationships your whole life right? Right from the moment that you are in the womb, you are having a relationship with the woman who is carrying you. You may or may not be aware of any of it, but it is happening. You have a mother, a father, possibly siblings, grandparents, neighbors, pet, etc. Just to name a few.

You have been able to handle those haven’t you? Sure some have been easier, some harder. Likely have had some fights with some of them, maybe even stopped talking to one or two of them.

I guarantee that you have been hurt by at least one of them right? Maybe a parent not letting you do what you want, or a comment made by someone who struck the wrong cord with you.

These are all relationship’s though right?

Of course.

So you get into your first grown relationship and everything is butterflies, kisses and laughing right? So what happens when it isn’t?

I don’t mean bad as in fists, pushing  and hurting. I mean what happens when you have to WORK for it.

Yelling. Screaming. Tears. Anger. Hurt. HATE.

That same passion that brought you together causes you passionately fight too. Times like this call for some real love because these fights can get super ugly. You spend your whole life knowing that some people are absolutely born to play on the debate club, while others flounder. This is not the time to be floundering my friends.

It also isn’t the time to whip out that sharp shooting tongue either. It can be really easy to just let loose with every insult that you know, but there is a really important lesson to keep in mind here.

People remember what you said. You were hurt, or mad and lashing out, but they were listening.

Words hurt.

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Just say NO to anxiety

There is never a day that goes by that it doesn’t show its ugly head. Day in and day out I find a different way to panic over something small that has happened. Every day It seems as if I handle it worse than before. But how do I stop?

Anxiety is real.

It is the one that likes to be in charge. It thinks it can come and go as it pleases. It cares very little about the people who get hurt in the process of a fit.

In a world where mental illness has been looked down on for so long, this is still the one that people love to say people make it up just to excuse bad behavior. To those who believe that, I dare you to live in someone’s head when this happens. Try to explain to yourself that it is fake, that you are making it a bigger deal then what it really is. See if it listens to you any better than it listens to us. When you fail, which you will, then I would love for you to come back and apologize instead of mock us. I would love to see understanding in your eyes instead of disbelief that we CHOSE to do this AGAIN.

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It humbles me to realize that I have only just begun to fight this battle just in the last ten years or so, and it is still a very small fight in the grand scheme of people who deal with this. I can leave my house, go to work, be in social settings sometimes, and many of other things that I have heard can be problematic to others. I have very set triggers mostly now, in which I am learning coping mechanisms for. Sooner rather than later I may end up talking to a doctor about  better options. For now, it’s a day-to-day battle for me.

Anxiety is only a very small part of me. One that has been happening all along since I started having children more than likely, but was low-key enough that I didn’t recognize any warning signs. No one felt the need to bring it up to me. This could be because of the stigmata that came along with any mental illness, or it could be that I was masking it so well that it was truthfully not seen by anyone including myself.

I bring this up not because it is a topic I enjoy, but because it is something that I know is an everyday problem for many of people. I know that I am not alone, and I know that the only way to fix a stigmata is to speak about it instead of hide it.

It is a battle.

And I will win.

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I wont apologize

Every disagrees on the how’s and why’s of our conception but there is one thing I know for sure. 

I was not put here to make YOU happy. My job is to make myself happy. I will stretch and stretch to appease you, but remember I break just like you do. At some point certain relationships in your life can feel like they don’t understand exactly how much you bend for them to make them happy. Eventually the bending stops. 

The biggest person for you to focus on is yourself.

Fix yourself. 

Love yourself. 

Stop picking on others because you can’t accept yourself. Quit assuming everything is about you. Most people talk behind people’s back to make themselves feel better. Most people take things personal when they feel quilty.

I won’t apologize for choosing me. 

Neither should you. 

Styles

Recently I have been surrounded by people with different communication styles. 

While that should be normal, my recent problem has been with people that I have never had communication problems with. They are people that are close to me, so it bothers me to realize the crossroads that have come between us. It seems as if people are coming up with problems without ever bothering to have discussions first. 

So it leaves me at an empass. 

Do I just let it be and see where it lands? 

Do I chase these situations and try to find a different way to discuss things? 

What are you waiting for?

That question stops me in my tracks a lot.

I have no real answer. What am I waiting for? It’s like everyone waits around for so much of there lives they forget what they were going to do in the first place.

Working around people who are dying, sooner rather than later, I always hear people talking with regrets.

“I wish I spent more time with my family”

“I wish I would have realized that my work wouldn’t be the one here with me in my last moments”

“I wish that I would have told “___________” that I loved them”

“I wish I would have taken more chances

So what in the world makes us chose to push these plans off? Why have I waited so long to start this blog? Why can I not convince myself to just sit down and write my novel?

Why can’t I decide who I want to be when I grow up? I feel like when I turned 12 I had a better idea of who I wanted to be then I did when I turned 30. Some people like to tell me that it is normal to feel that way, but I don’t. I think that is just crazy.

And yet maybe it is the answer too. At 12, I had no self-doubt. I hadn’t lost my first love yet, I hadn’t become a teenage mom and surely never tried to live on my own with my own bills. Those bills, man do they make you take whatever job that you can get as fast as possible. All of a sudden, those aspirations to the dream job hit the back burner.

So when do you get to pull back the reigns and take control of your own life? Your own destination. What in the world are we waiting for?

Waiting won’t bring prince charming. Waiting won’t pay our bills. Waiting sure won’t make you any happier will it? Waiting doesn’t make your life get any better. It makes it stretch on, same thing every day.

At what point do you just take the leap?