“Sorry to my unknown lover

sorry that I can’t believe

that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me

sorry to my unknown lover

sorry I could be so blind

didn’t mean to leave you and all of the things that we had behind”

Halsey manages to rip my heart open again every time that I chose to listen to her music. This woman puts everything that she is thinking and feeling out there and I envy her for that.

My busy life has me pulled away from here recently, but I am working my way back to you all. Thanks for staying along for the ride.

The memories that smack us

I remember sitting at the fold out table with my father as a child, listening to records that were playing much too loud for the others in our family. They would complain until they eventually left the house in search of other places that brought regular volumes.

These were the days that I lived for those days.

He didn’t really focus on me too much, caught up in teaching me chess or showing me the best sounds/songs he had purchased over the years. We would debate the quality of the speakers every time, while deciding what we thought each song meant and how they came up with the music behind those specific words. The sun would stream through the finger print covered windows, allowing our laughter the chance to float outside along with whatever song we were jamming to at that moment.

I know I didn’t appreciate this enough at the timing, but it is one of my most cherished memories looking back at that timing with my Dad.

The words we say

Why do we speak to ourself in ways that we can’t imagine speaking to others?

How many times do we look in a mirror and say the meanest things we can think of to the reflection?

I go about living life again until I see a picture of myself, or a sudden mirrored surface shows me myself and that’s all it takes. Suddenly the self hate returns, vile and inconceivable things.

No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean things someone’s gonna think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last few hours.

Between the looks in the mirror and unfaltering doubt I have in my own abilities, it sure leaves a lot of self hate to swim in.

All I ever wanted was to be someone else

At some point I knew that I was going to have to change the perogative to be able to keep from drowning.

This has to be one of the hardest things in life to do since it is never ending. Every day I have to push the positive thought line, multiple times a day if I am honest. I started with just one or two, and have progressed to forcing a positive thought pretty much every time I have a negative thought.

This doesn’t always work I need to be honest. Just like everyone else I have down days that just can’t be talked out of. I receive phone calls with bad news, or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. My family is amazing at dealing with me through these days, so I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. Most don’t it seems.

Stay positive. The world isn’t gonna get better being negative about it. There are two sides to life. You choose which one you wanna live.

Next phase

I know you’re rushing to get to that next phase in your life.

You’re sick and tired of being where you’re at and feel like you should be somewhere else doing greater things.

You’re stressing yourself to have more.

You’re giving yourself anxiety tricking yourself that you are behind.

Listen to me, you are exactly where you should be at.

You’re where you are at because there are a few more lessons you have to learn before you go into the next phase.

But I’ll tell you this, as long as you’re moving, you’re not stuck.

As long as you keep working you’re not stagnant. Be okay with taking steps and not running.

You’ll have experiences where you’re running.

This stage isn’t that.

Life is making you walk because you have a lot to learn at this moment in time.

You need more time to gather all of this information.

* Found on social media, hitting me at just the right time. *

This will pass


You’re going to be okay.

Breath and remember that you have been in the place before.

You’ve been this uncomfortable, anxious and scared; you survived it.

Breathe, and know that you can survive this too.

These feelings can’t break you.

They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass.

Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade. When they do you will look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your own resilience.

I know it feels unbearable right now but keep breathing.

Again and again.

This will pass.

I promise this will pass.

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