Change the ending

You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

C.S. Lewis

This is so important to remember in all parts of your life. It is never too late to change your course with something. Sometimes it is just your behavior that needs to change, sometime it requires you to eat a little crow.

Either way, there is always some elements that you can still change to adapt the ending to something you like more.

The hospital workers Christmas Sounds

The hospital bed alarms have taken over for Christmas Caroles.

The respirators keeping these patients alive have taken over for sounds of the hard pellet snow landing on top of layers already down on the ground.

The sounds of endless phones ringing with not enough staff to answer them have taken over for any Church Bells.

The robotic voice that yells overhead when yet another code gets called echoes throughout the halls of every hospital around has taken over for the loud sounds of family get togethers.

The telemetry monitors alarm takes over for the laughter that normally comes from the rooms that the younger kids occupy every year.

The oxygen sensors and C-Pap bells have taken over for all of the annoying questions about when they are going to find a partner, have a baby or get married to that partner they have been with so long.

The beeps of the Pixis as we type in our patients names or medications have taken over the joyful sounds of food being placed around the table as the family sits down together.

The tears seeping down our faces as we call family members on IPADs for them to tell their family member one last time that they love them has taken over for everyone asking for the platters full of amazing smells.

The call of Time of Death has taken over for the sound of saying grace before we are able to eat the food that we just piled high on our plates.

The time ticking by on our clocks as we wait for the morgue to come and collect the deceased patient takes over for the kids watching the clock waiting on the adults to finish clearing the table so they can finally sit and open their presents they have been patiently waiting for.

The sound of our charge nurse telling us about our next admit takes over for the loud voice stating that the time to open the presents has come.

The sounds of the impatient ER Nurse trying to report off on their current patient so they can take one of the masses out of the waiting room to replace them takes over for the uncle that is yelling for everyone to make sure to contain and throw away any wrapping paper and boxes so he doesn’t have to do it all himself.

The sounds of the bed wheels being pushed onto the unit from the ER to fill the room with machines again to keep them breathing has now taken over for the family running off to the other rooms to play with the presents that they just got.

And then with no end in site, the cycles restarts back to those bed alarm Christmas Carols.

Tis this season too

Seasonal depression timing is coming. Are you doing the things that you need to do to prepare for it? Are you making sure that you are planning things that you will actually follow up and do? Here are some of the things that I do to prepare.

First off, I allow myself to know that it is perfectly acceptable to have down days to do nothing. It is ok to have days that running laundry through the washer and dryer are considered productive. Reading a good book is productive. Watching movies and allowing your feelings to fall out of your eyes is productive. SOMETIMES. However, not all the time. Not when it is day after day after day.

Personally, I like to bake during the colder months. So I start a Pinterest folder for the things I want to bake this year. Since it helps me feel like I was productive and gives me a momentary smile I consider it a win. Even though I will never look at it again.

So then I print out the few that I may actually make since it now shows a different level of seriousness. This may or may not work, but it sure makes me feel like it will.

These last few years I have chosen to start a new gym routine in the beginning of December so that I already have a routine set in my mind before all of the ‘resolutioners’ bear down on the local gyms. There is nothing worse then trying a new routine when you are climbing around a bunch of fresh and clean gym members who talk too much while they stare at every move you make thinking if they watch hard enough they could remember each and every step. They won’t, but that doesn’t stop them from trying. Would you like a little piece of advice from someone who has been enduring torture as my self care routine for a few years? It’s ok to watch for motivation, but we know the difference between someone being creepy vs someone with honest intent to learn.

Now, does that mean that my routine won’t get shook up during the first six weeks of the year before they drop like flies? Nope not at all. It will absolutely get shook up. The difference is that now I am in the mindset of getting through it so that the work I put in wasn’t a waste. When I started the routine I gave myself a goal. Inches off the measuring tape in a certain problem area, or a pair of jeans that I want to fit in. Sometimes it is as simple as how I want my arms to look in a bridesmaids dress that I know someone is making me wear. Whatever it is, I want those results.

There is a feeling that you get when you set a goal, push through the bullshit and get the results. It is unmatchable by any amount of laziness, or comfort food. That makes me move. Is that enough for you?

The last thing that I do is make sure that I feel out where the people I live with are at with their mental health. Sometimes it can’t be about me. Sometimes I have a child struggling and instead of allowing myself to wallow, I now need to be watching them and keeping them moving instead. That changes from year to year of course, but if I am not prepared for it then there is a lot of scrambling. I can handle my boat being rocked a bit of course (well, hopefully) but there have been years that it comes so far out of left feild when I wasn’t ready that it blows me out of the water.

That’s going to happen sometimes I suppose, but if I can make it to where it isn’t EVERY year then I feel like I am winning the battle.

Do you have a plan?

Just a Reminder

I don’t know how much value I have in this universe but I do know that I made a few people happier then they would have been without me. As long as I know that I am as rich as I ever need to be.


What are you fighting for

As I was fighting for you I realized that I was fighting to be lied to.

Fighting to be taken for granted.

Fighting to be disappointed and forgetten

Fighting just to be hurt again.

So I started fighting to let it go instead.

These hard hitting words smacked me this morning when I wasn’t ready. Shattering my moment of peace after a great workout and making me deep dive down into feelings I was hiding from.

This can easily be about your spouse, or your friend. It can be about a grown child or toxic family member. There are so many ways to take this saying so I am going to let it resonate with you however it needs to without me babbling on about it.

Here’s the thing though.

Always remember that you are worth whatever fight you chose to involve yourself into. It you chose to keep yourself involved in drama, hurt and instability then no one else can be blamed. You are choosing to stay in the situation,

You will ALWAYS be worth fighting for. It doesn’t matter if that means that it leaves you temporarily alone, or in debt. Your physical and mental health are worth the fight.

Don’t lose your fire.


There is something cathartic about going to the cemetery.

I spent many years avoiding going there for anyone I had lost, telling myself that I could communicate with them wherever I was. Why would I need to get in the car and go to the last resting place of their body shell? Their spirit wasn’t there anymore right?

This goes against a lot of what I was taught growing up but my stubborn mind was made up. Every culture and every religion has their own belief, and while I fully respect just about every one of them I just couldn’t accept them into my reality.

In many ways I still can’t.

But I sat at the cemetery the other day and found myself talking in a way that I hadn’t with them, in years. Open, outloud, honest and raw. What was supposed to be a quick visit turned into over an hour. I had no plans of things to say but there was never a lull in things to talk about. There was laughs to break up the tears that flowed free.

When I walked back to the car there was a sense of relief that I hadn’t felt in quite some time, and suddenly I was aware of something else.

I could NEVER tell my mother that she was right.

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