When the words take away your air

So there is a tv show that I keep seeing on television that has caught my attention. I first saw the preview as I was sitting with my husband watching a tv show. It hit me like a ton of bricks, where he was able to sit and not even notice that my world had tilted on its axis.

The first few lines in this preview was a man saying something like “You’re not going to believe this, but John (or Jeff or whatever his name is) committed suicide”. I have seen this preview multiple times but I am not able to remember any of the rest of the preview. Each time I see it I get stuck on this sentence that starts the commercial off. I imagine that this man is talking to a buddy, and this is the normal way that they talk to each other so the offhand delivery itself doesn’t catch my attention.

What catches my attention is the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life being affected by lines like these. Its been over a decade since I had to hear those words said in a much softer way to me. A decade since the whispers would stop as I walked into the room, or down the hall, just to have them start again after I passed by. A decade since I had to try to find new pieces to start rebuilding myself since he didn’t think about how it would be affecting anyone else.

Who am I kidding it has almost been TWO decades.

So that’s where this kicker just seems to keep kicking.

18 years later, a whole different life later, and yet it still has the ability to kind the wind out of my lungs better than almost else.

September is Suicide prevention month

September is Suicide prevention month. After being very personally affected by suicide during crucial growing years I feel as if I will always dedicate whatever I can to help prevent anyone from having to go through the loss.

Mental illness is still considered to be a thing people think that we chose.

Who in their right mind decides to spin the wheel and have it land on an invisible -illness?

From a chronic pain patient to a schizophrenic with bipolar tendencies and all things in between the reactions of disbelief are the same. No one believes that either could be a real thing. As if a person sees a tv show where someone acts a certain way so they are going to attempt to mirror their life around them. Don’t get me wrong, there are assholes out there that must do something like that. But the few that do should not be considered the normal.

Normalizing mental health awareness is something that has been long coming and should be held at the utmost importance.


Reach out. Find someone that is willing to listen. Make sure they understand how important it is to you. You don’t have to fight alone.

Learn the cues. Find out how to see the signs. Let them teach you how to help.

Find a support group on social media. Find a group in your community. Make the call. Send the text.


24 hours a day.


Where is your happy place?

So my whole life I have dreamed about growing up and becoming some big hot shot professional the was amazingly happy with my life.

I think we all do.

For me it always comes back to this two story house, sitting on a grassy section of land with water behind it. I have always taken it to be an ocean, but I can’t say that for a fact. The house seems to have a country feel about it. The color never really matters to me but I am well aware of the porch. It is one of those wrap around porches that is covered all the way around. There are big fans in a few spots that look like a big ceiling fan. There are lights strung around the banisters as well as the normal porch lights attached to the house. There is always a few wooden rockers surrounding a table on one side, and a wooden two person swing in a different area of it. Far enough away to be considered two separate get together areas, but close enough to be able to hear each other if necessary.

It seems to be that we are in the warmer all year type of places in the world. This could just be a weird hope of mine since I drastically hate the cold Chicago winters, but since it is my dream I can assume what I want right?

There are always kids running around, so I am thinking that my kids must live around the area as well and have brought my grandchildren over. My age always varies when I have these dreams. Sometimes I have not changed age at all, and it is my own children running around. Other times I look as if I may be around 80 or so and my hubby and I are enjoying retirement and grandkids.

There are all these pictures once we get inside of the big life that we have led. Pictures of the kids, from all ages. Picture of our travels and other loved ones.

Pictures of our full happy life.

That is my happy place when I am being overwhelmed or feeling extra unstable for the day.


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