Warped perspective

Life is all about perspective isn’t it.

It’s changing how you see something. It’s changing how you let it affect you. It’s changing your surroundings when you need to.

It’s finding ways to convince yourself to start something new.

It’s finding a way to convince yourself to try harder.

To continue.

To convince yourself to finish strong.

To focus on the end result that you are trying for.

Perception has a way of making you realize that what you have been doing is not enough.  It could be that you look at a picture someone took of you and you suddenly see what other people see when they look at you. Maybe it is that you suddenly realize that you spent too many years making excuses to not go back to school. Maybe you feel like you are giving your coach one hundred percent of your effort, but are still failing to meet expectations.  Maybe its as simple as the fact that you read a magazine article on something that your had never really thought too much of, but it changes something that you do.

Don’t hold back.

Going thru the battle to learn your value

I have lived a life that most people react to with shock.]

I didn’t ask for it, but I wouldn’t change it either. Any change in how things have gone in these complicated 34 years and I wouldn’t be where I am today, surrounded by the amazing people around me.
I have been thru things that some will never go thru in their entire life. I have spent a lot of years having to explain choices as to how or why I did things the way that I did. I spent just as much time questioning how or why I was chosen to be the one to be blessed with these events as well.
I have also spent a lot of times hiding. It took three years for my current coworkers to find out about the death of my ex-boyfriend to suicide. It took closer to five for them to learn about the adoption. There are still other events that they have yet to learn.
I can’t always explain it, even to myself.

At first it was that I was sick of dealing with people’s opinions. It always came at times that I didn’t want it. Some were positive, some negative. It never mattered which way people felt, I wasn’t wanting any of them. I never wanted to appear as rude, it’s only that it was the most personal events that had happened in my life and the opinions were coming from people that were not there. They have no idea the situations that surrounded the decisions made. So why would the opinions make any difference to me now?
However these days we are not allowed to not care about anyone and everyone’s opinions.
You see, the only feelings and opinions that should affect me should be the ones directly involved with the decision. In everyone’s heart, they know that. However that does not stop them from trying to validate the scenario by either agreeing with me or having to tell my why they don’t.
It isn’t that I don’t respect the opinions being given, nor is it that I don’t appreciate the reason that most people are trying to give it in the first place. In most cases they are trying to find a way to make me feel better.
It is just that I respect myself more.
I started this battle as a young teenager that had no grasp on who I was, or who I could become. Wave after wave has taken me down every time, but I have gotten back up. Each time, I have had to find the strength from deep within to convince myself to keep fighting. You can’t go through that many battles without learning your value.

Those choices again

You are one choice away from the thing that makes you happy.

That choice may scare you to death.

It may be the one thing that makes you hesitate.

But you know what? It is also the one thing that is keeping you stuck in the rut you are calling life.

Maybe your decision is that you just need to forgive yourself for something that you did when you were younger.

Maybe you need to apply to that college and see if you get accepted.

It could be that you need to go and apply for that dream job because they just might actually hire you.

Maybe you tell to tell that one person how much they mean to you.

Or maybe you need to grow a set and tell them to fuck off.

Both seem to have equal satisfaction if you are at a point in life that they are problematic to your mental, physical or emotional health.

The thing is, you have to make that decision. It has to start with you. You have to actually take action on this part of your life. It won’t just happen for you.


one decision

Who’s permission do you need?

Have you ever found yourself attracted to the option that wasn’t very popular with the people that surround you?

I seem to always be the odd man out in the things that I like compared to other people around me. From the type of music to the style of cloths and more.

I used to find this embarrassing because I couldn’t even fake it good enough to get away with it. I was always called out on it in some way.

As an adult I look back and appreciate my differences.

I am a unique person and should never have wanted to be out into a pre-formed box.

I spend my every day telling myself to stay out of that box and I hope to teach all my children to do the same.


Decisions were made

The other day I was set to figure out what kind of mom decision that I wanted to make. I found myself quickly leaning to the decision to finish my “to do” list around my house. A few hours later I realized that I was actually quite agitated because no matter how detailed my lists became of the things that I was going to do to start knocking things off of the original list, I wasn’t feeling satisfied.  (Yes, I have a list problem. I make lists ABOUT my lists. Then I lose them. Imagine that.)

My body and mind was making the decision for me instead. Almost as if I have subconsciously made the decision to stop screwing myself over.

I spent the next 8 hours typing away trying to finish my novel I am writing. I am so close, I can taste it. Now I am in a position to start looking into how to get my work looked at, edited and all the other fun stuff.

Good thing that Google and YouTube exist to help me figure out my next few steps!


Mom like decisions

When I woke up today I felt something that I wasn’t very used to recently. Today I woke up with motivation.

Motivation to make a difference in my life. It doesn’t have to be gigantic, it just has to be something that helps me feel like this train I am on can start moving forward again and get out of the mud it is stuck in.

So here I am at work, listening to motivating video’s on Youtube and I am trying to decided where I want this train to move to in the first place. I feel scattered as I realize that I cant even focus and decide if I would like to use this motivation for the long list of to do’s I have for my house, or for bigger life decisions.

Recently I made a goal board, also known as a vision board. I found myself drawn to motivational sayings the whole time. I couldn’t even focus my goals for this next year because I feel out of control. The kids control me. I live as a side note in the life of my family.

I was quick to push them for specific goals for the next year, while I gave myself leniency. Why?

It all comes back to the idea that I fell into the easy trap of mom life, as I have realized in other blogs I have posted, and I have forgotten that there are things that I could want just for myself. My wonderful husband has asked me over the years what I want to do to make me happy and I have continuously answered by saying “I am fine how things are” and “I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life”.

So here I am trying to decide if this motivation will be directed towards the normal mom life decision, meaning the to do list of things to do around the house or if it will be directed to what makes me as a person grow.

Decisions, decisions.


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