Today I am mad

Today I am mad at him. My best friend growing up. The man that I pledged everything to but he chose to take his life instead. Most days this doesn’t affect me too much but today I woke up mad. I must have had a dream about him. Or we must have talked in that dream.

His decision to commit suicide rocked a lot of peoples worlds, but it also shattered my opinion of love for a long time.

I understand mental health. I worked in mental health for a bit. And where I work now still deals with it.

I understand his world had to be horrendous behind his chocolate eyes way beyond anything I could have known. I understand that in his opinion, suicide had to be BETTER then what he was dealing with. I understand.

Most days I even understand that his decision had nothing to do with me. That I didnt fail to make the one person, who meant the world to me, feel relief from that pain that he hid so well.

But then I have a day that I wake up mad. And those days I question everything. I question my ability to make other people happy. My ability to help my husband have any relief from his inner demons.

Those days I need to learn to breathe. Breathe deep, breathe slow, just breathe.

4 thoughts on “Today I am mad

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  1. Sorry, it’s not a good day for you. Your struggles sound hard. But everyone has struggles, it’s about how we move past them that says so much about the person we can be. You can be strong. Tomorrow, next week, maybe not even next month will be better but it will get better. Stay strong and meditate 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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