Today I need thoughts.
Today I need prayers.
Today I wish my brain could go on vacation and not think about the things going on.
One of my favorite people in the world is having yet another surgery today. She was born into a life that requires multiple surgeries, no matter what we do to prevent it.
She is the fighter I wish to be.
She is the strength that tells me that I can handle my small battles day to day because she handles more.
She is the person I teach my children to be like. The ability to have life push you down, sometimes daily, and getting back up anyway.
She is the person that taught me patience and compassion. She is the person I tried to be for many many years.
The one I wanted to hang out with and constantly annoyed her friends because I thought it was fun.
She is the person that I can’t live without. She is the person I call when I need to talk. She is the person I call when I am too scared to tell our parents things.
She is my sister.
And we need your thoughts today.
Today I am mad at him. My best friend growing up. The man that I pledged everything to but he chose to take his life instead. Most days this doesn’t affect me too much but today I woke up mad. I must have had a dream about him. Or we must have talked in that dream.
His decision to commit suicide rocked a lot of peoples worlds, but it also shattered my opinion of love for a long time.
I understand mental health. I worked in mental health for a bit. And where I work now still deals with it.
I understand his world had to be horrendous behind his chocolate eyes way beyond anything I could have known. I understand that in his opinion, suicide had to be BETTER then what he was dealing with. I understand.
Most days I even understand that his decision had nothing to do with me. That I didnt fail to make the one person, who meant the world to me, feel relief from that pain that he hid so well.
But then I have a day that I wake up mad. And those days I question everything. I question my ability to make other people happy. My ability to help my husband have any relief from his inner demons.
Those days I need to learn to breathe. Breathe deep, breathe slow, just breathe.
Midsummer mania is happening at my house and I find myself searching pinterest for things to do with these children.
As a Mom that gets to spend half my week home and carefree I should have a lot of time to do all of those cool D.I.Y. projects I find right? And yet somehow I can not seem to find the open time to do any of them.
I need to get more organized. In the meantime, I apologize for the lack of posts that I am able to make during this time.