Random thoughts

As a teenager I realized that there are some people who are made of bubbles and lightness and everything pretty, while others seem just to not be. I am interested in watching to see if there are different things that lead to one behavior or another.

Is it strictly just the upbringing? The surroundings that you are born into? Is it influenced by the parents disposition?  Can life’s circumstances change you from one behavior to the other? If that happens can you revert back? Also, why does this intrigue me so much?

I have always noticed that people are drawn to me to tell me their life problems in hopes to have so insight that might help them. I still do not understand how I draw them in, other than the idea that I actually take the time and listen to people. I sit and show the respect that I believe that the person needs, and I tell them what I would do if I was in the same spot. Is my advice always the best? No. I strictly tell them how I would respond, and I tell them what part of my response I would regret afterwards as best as I can. I ask them how they WANT to respond to it, and then we talk about the smarter way to respond instead.  I can’t guarantee that it’s good advice at all, and it certainly has no medical credibility to it, but that’s what I offer. 

However, what draws them to me to ask anyway? 

I was not born with that light fluffy bowl of sunshine and bubbles type of mentality. I wasn’t born dark and melancholy either though. I was born a plain Jane. I am highly empathetic to others pain, and tend to be the loudest one in the room. I easily fell into the wrong crowd multiple times actually, because I felt bad for them and connected with them in weird ways.

I fell into smoking and drinking young, and I conquered both habits as I got older. I socially drink, but can control it better. Everywhere you look you read that you have higher chances of being an addict when you come from a family of addicts. I would love to read up on that to know how true that is.  But does your addictions need to mirror the family members? So if your grandpa is an alcoholic, does that mean that you are bound to be one too? Or does the addiction travel across all things addiction? Can you be addicted to eating and blame it on your grandpa being an addict? 

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Blew my mind

I was watching a youtube video the other day of Jason Segal and Bryan Cranston when they stumbled upon an interesting topic. 

Not many actors find themselves qualified to talk about suicide in front of a camera. These men are no different, however they were speaking on behalf of an author/director that they both knew. 

 David Foster Wallace. 

To be honest, i know none of this mans work. I know very little of his story. 

What i do know is that in September of 2008 he committed suicide after a lengthy, likely life long, battle of depression. There are plenty more specifics that I will chose not to add in here, but that information helpes me understand who would be able to blow my mind with just a few sentances in book. 

As Jason Segal says it, there is a woman who had attempted to hurt herself. She finds herself at the therapists office afterwards and this conversation happens. 

Therapist: Why did you want to hurt yourself? 

Survivor: Laughs and says “Youll never be able to help me if you think I was trying to HURT myself. I was trying to STOP the pain.” 

I’m not going to lie, this blew my mind. Please understand as a person deeply affected by suicide in my life, i felt as if i understood the mindset of someone leaning towards this decision. While I am sure this knowledge is out there, I suppose I have never heard it said in my language until then. 

I have always felt that they were running from demons that were bigger then them. Some maybe are unable to keep up with lifes demands, or find themself heavily relying on a substance. 

I watched the battle in my best friends eyes but NEVER understood it. I couldn’t see the signs, I couldn’t understand the feelings, and I flat out missed the pain behind the walls. 

I vowed to never again miss the signs, but it continued to happen to other people around us and we were startled and devastated every time. 

The masks they wore changed. 

The pain ate away at them. 

Until they only could focus on the relief. 

What are you to do, when the thing that hurts you the most is invisible? When your own body attacks you. When your mind never takes that break, and gives you that ability to regroup before the next big thing hits. 

At what point does it become socially acceptable to seek help? 

At what point do people understand that this is the same thing as any other medical diseases or disorders that you could have been born with? 

At what point is it socially acceptable to admit defeat? 

Every day you see people quit their diet, their relationships, their jobs and their schools. 

How do you quit your mental illness that you didn’t ask to be born with? 

Always on the run

There are things that will happen in life that you are forced to stop and evaluate differently. 

It can help you see things from a different view point, as if suddenly they added a new lens to this movie called life. 

Most the time I see this as a breathe of fresh air because it is just as important to understand other peoples mindset as it is to understand your own. 

It’s that moment where the person you are argueing with suddenly makes sense. Or that feeling when you have walked way from someone you thought was meant to be in your every day life, only to realize that life continues without them. 

Every person has a unique way of seeing things, specific to them alone.  

And it intrigues me to no end.

**These photographs are not my own. They were circulating on social media and caught my attention due to the nature of them. **