There is never a day that goes by that it doesn’t show its ugly head. Day in and day out I find a different way to panic over something small that has happened. Every day It seems as if I handle it worse than before. But how do I stop?
Anxiety is real.
It is the one that likes to be in charge. It thinks it can come and go as it pleases. It cares very little about the people who get hurt in the process of a fit.
In a world where mental illness has been looked down on for so long, this is still the one that people love to say people make it up just to excuse bad behavior. To those who believe that, I dare you to live in someone’s head when this happens. Try to explain to yourself that it is fake, that you are making it a bigger deal then what it really is. See if it listens to you any better than it listens to us. When you fail, which you will, then I would love for you to come back and apologize instead of mock us. I would love to see understanding in your eyes instead of disbelief that we CHOSE to do this AGAIN.
It humbles me to realize that I have only just begun to fight this battle just in the last ten years or so, and it is still a very small fight in the grand scheme of people who deal with this. I can leave my house, go to work, be in social settings sometimes, and many of other things that I have heard can be problematic to others. I have very set triggers mostly now, in which I am learning coping mechanisms for. Sooner rather than later I may end up talking to a doctor about better options. For now, it’s a day-to-day battle for me.
Anxiety is only a very small part of me. One that has been happening all along since I started having children more than likely, but was low-key enough that I didn’t recognize any warning signs. No one felt the need to bring it up to me. This could be because of the stigmata that came along with any mental illness, or it could be that I was masking it so well that it was truthfully not seen by anyone including myself.
I bring this up not because it is a topic I enjoy, but because it is something that I know is an everyday problem for many of people. I know that I am not alone, and I know that the only way to fix a stigmata is to speak about it instead of hide it.
It is a battle.
And I will win.
Every disagrees on the how’s and why’s of our conception but there is one thing I know for sure.
I was not put here to make YOU happy. My job is to make myself happy. I will stretch and stretch to appease you, but remember I break just like you do. At some point certain relationships in your life can feel like they don’t understand exactly how much you bend for them to make them happy. Eventually the bending stops.
The biggest person for you to focus on is yourself.
Stop picking on others because you can’t accept yourself. Quit assuming everything is about you. Most people talk behind people’s back to make themselves feel better. Most people take things personal when they feel quilty.
I won’t apologize for choosing me.
Neither should you.
Recently I have been surrounded by people with different communication styles.
While that should be normal, my recent problem has been with people that I have never had communication problems with. They are people that are close to me, so it bothers me to realize the crossroads that have come between us. It seems as if people are coming up with problems without ever bothering to have discussions first.
So it leaves me at an empass.
Do I just let it be and see where it lands?
Do I chase these situations and try to find a different way to discuss things?
That question stops me in my tracks a lot.
I have no real answer. What am I waiting for? It’s like everyone waits around for so much of there lives they forget what they were going to do in the first place.
Working around people who are dying, sooner rather than later, I always hear people talking with regrets.
“I wish I spent more time with my family”
“I wish I would have realized that my work wouldn’t be the one here with me in my last moments”
“I wish that I would have told “___________” that I loved them”
“I wish I would have taken more chances“
So what in the world makes us chose to push these plans off? Why have I waited so long to start this blog? Why can I not convince myself to just sit down and write my novel?
Why can’t I decide who I want to be when I grow up? I feel like when I turned 12 I had a better idea of who I wanted to be then I did when I turned 30. Some people like to tell me that it is normal to feel that way, but I don’t. I think that is just crazy.
And yet maybe it is the answer too. At 12, I had no self-doubt. I hadn’t lost my first love yet, I hadn’t become a teenage mom and surely never tried to live on my own with my own bills. Those bills, man do they make you take whatever job that you can get as fast as possible. All of a sudden, those aspirations to the dream job hit the back burner.
So when do you get to pull back the reigns and take control of your own life? Your own destination. What in the world are we waiting for?
Waiting won’t bring prince charming. Waiting won’t pay our bills. Waiting sure won’t make you any happier will it? Waiting doesn’t make your life get any better. It makes it stretch on, same thing every day.
At what point do you just take the leap?
Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.
John F Kennedy
You deserve the sun.
You deserve the sky.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve to be treated with dignity.
You deserve to be loved the way you love them.
You deserve to take up space in this world.
You deserve the right to be authentic.
You deserve the right to speak your mind.
You deserve the right to pick what makes you happy, without judgement.
You deserve to be treated like a god or goddess.
You deserve to be deliriously happy.
You deserve it all.
Don’t settle for any less.